Changes.

Hey, Dad.


If you're still angry, please don't read this yet.


You have other things to do anyways and this can wait. But I just wanted to say thanks. I know at the moment of me typing this you're just seeing red, I guess. You're disappointed in me because you don't understand why I either don't look like I want to become anything in life, or you might be wondering what more you could've done to show me how I'm supposed to work hard; that your whole life is pretty much a testament to perseverance.


Today I tried my best to just take the punishment and deal with it, because I really did bring it on myself. I'm not going to lie-- it's harsh. Really harsh. I let a lot of people down. I let myself down. I am scared of how this will affect my teammates and the people who counted on me at APC. And who knows, maybe even 2 or 3 weeks down the road there could be some changes. I really hope so.


I'm not sure if this makes any sense, I hope it does, but for a while I've been kinda praying for this. Like you guys might think I don't take in a word you say, but I'm probably just stupid because every time you say it it sinks in a little bit more. I'm seeing my "friends" getting ready to go off to university and I'm still here not questioning where I want to go but the chances of me even getting in. I don't want to go back to high school, and I don't want to have to go to a program all the way across Ontario because that is the only option I had. I want to be able to get an Honour roll average and then choose! Even if I got into a university, did a year and decided to work overseas as a missionary, or anything!


I don't want to be left behind. I have nightmares about it all the time; how disappointed you guys would be, how disappointed I would be, and how everything and everyone I thought had value turned out to be worthless or just dropped me like a piece of rotten food.


I was scared. I'm still scared. What I'm realizing though, is that last verse in Ecclesiastes 11.

"So refuse to worry, and keep your body healthy. But remember that youth, with a whole life before you, is meaningless." Ecclesiastes 11:10

What I do now, what I waste my time and enjoy now is meaningless compared to the rest of my life. Even the relationships and friends I make now...if I don't become something, it's meaningless. I need to live in light of that.


You're my dad, and you want the best for me. So you're teaching me the only way you know how. I'm glad you are because that means you care. And I'm still going to need your help. But once again, thanks. And I'm sorry I wasn't able to do this on my own.


Love,
Jeff.

In Weakness I am Strong.

It's been a topsy-turvy time since the last time I actually wrote my thoughts on this blog. Why does it seem like the more I chronicle myself, these posts have gone more from telling other people what to do, to realizing that I'm just as human as everyone else; that I make mistakes? I'm not sure.

C'est la vie, right? I guess it's a good thing. God is moving within me, and I'm so glad.

I've found myself drawn to a song lately. It's a worship song; I Will Exalt by Bethel Live. The lyrics read:

Your presence is all I need
It's all I want, all I seek
Without it, without it there's no meaning
Your presence is the air I breath
The song I sing, the love I need
Without it, without it I'm not living...

I'm finding this more relevant in my life. The more I pull away from him or stop seeking Him, the more I begin to gratify and forget Him who satisfies, the less joy I find in life. Like the C.S Lewis quote, God can't give us peace and happiness apart from Himself because there is no such thing. Plain and simple. It's been harder than it usually has to get into the Word, partly because I can't find my Bible (it's around the house somewhere...plus, I can just use my iPod), but partly because my schedule has just been so full of stuff; quite honestly-- distractions.

It's unacceptable.

I need to regularly find time with Him like I did during the summer. But that was easy; what else did I have to do? It's one thing to read His word when it's a convenience, it's another to read it when it's a hassle or a struggle. It's another to read it when it doesn't make sense or it feels like it doesn't relate.

Yeah, I do feel a bit weak and beat up. Tired, fatigued. But I'm kinda glad that I am. It's at this time where I draw closest to God. The Bible says that God's mercy and grace is made perfect in our weakness, our failings in this small human life. So bring on the struggles, the breakdown, the turning points.

If I get to know You just a little bit more, then it's all worth it.

24 Days and the Rest of My Life.

It's been a while since I wrote like this. But I think I need to.

First of all: God is so good.

No matter what is going on in my life, my struggles and trials, God has been so good to me. I'm still healthy, I have parents who love me, a roof over my head, the best friend in the world...the list goes on and on. God really is a gracious God; one who gives us something we don't deserve. And I thank You for it.

Is it bad if I'm still scared? I'm too scared to move forward, to scared to slip backwards...so I'm not moving. And I'm slowly becoming frozen to this spot. God, I don't want this kind of relationship with You. I don't want to be complacent with You. Help me chase after You every day with the same fire I did during the summer. I'm learning that the closer I get to You, the more my life shifts into focus.

That's really cool. Help me to see You as the lens in which I view the world.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I still don't feel like this is it for me. My last year. I don't know why, I just don't. I feel the pressure, but not the seniority. Or maybe I do, but now that I'm there, I really don't care. Is that bad?

Why am I asking questions? On a blog. I've definitely lost it. I know I'm losing it. This ridiculous schedule of mine is insane. I'm running myself into the ground and I can taste the asphalt. I know that God never gives me more than I can handle, but I must really need to learn something...because this test is huge, God. And I know you believe in me.

So why don't I believe in myself? Because, I've let myself down way too many times. I've let my parents down. I've let my pastor down. I've let my friends down.
...
You know what? Screw this self-pity. If God believes in me, why does ANY other opinion even matter? If the one who breathed life into me, the one who knows everything and anything that's ever happened to me, believes in me, I think I can do this.

I know this much is true though. I can't do it without You. It's so obvious I'm not even going to try and put this burden on myself. I can't carry it and I thank God I don't need to.
Sometimes I just can't wait until I see You in heaven. Not only do I want out of this broken world, but I have a ton of questions to ask You.

If you weren't omniscient...haha. I made a joke about You!

Anyways.

I dunno. It's a weird feeling I have right now. But Proverbs 20:24 is burned into my brain right now: "The Lord directs our steps; so why try to understand everything along the way?" I give up on trying to figure out everything. Time to let you be God and watch the impossible happen. Again.

"And 'till I see You face to face,
and grace amazing takes me home;
I'll trust in You..."

Date a Girl who loves Jesus.

I read this a while back and had always meant to post it, but kept forgetting.

Date a girl who loves Jesus. Date a girl who would rather stay at home reading Scripture on a Friday night than be out partying with a group of friends. She has issues with space because her shelves are overflowing with the works of Lewis, Edwards, Spurgeon, Piper and more. Date a girl who spends her money on others instead of clothes and other frivolous things.  

Find a girl who’s passionate about the Gospel. You’ll know that she is because she will always have her Bible in her bag and she’s always read to help others. She’s the one lovingly giving up her spare time to spend it with those in need, the one who lets out a silent but compassion-filled cry for the state of the world and all of His people.You see that girl sitting and talking by herself, looking sort of out-of-place, and admiring her surroundings? That’s her. She can’t resist taking time out of her day to talk to God and thank Him for His blessings.

And boy, is she ever thankful.

She’s the one who’s got that look on her face when she’s in worship, that look that shows you can tell where her focus is in that moment. Eyes closed and hands raised, or perhaps she is sitting in stillness and silence. Either way, you can see a light in her that isn’t like anything you’ve ever seen. She’s the one who isn’t afraid to fall to her knees or dance in the joy of the LORD.

She’s in it, she’s in love with Love Himself.

This girl has some serious self-respect; she doesn’t parade around announcing her flaws in hopes of reassurance or compliments. She knows that she was created in His image and no matter what society says; she is beautiful. She doesn’t need anyone to remind her. She knows how intricately created she is, placing her self-worth in Christ and Christ alone.

A girl who loves the LORD isn’t going to be caught up in pointless things. She doesn’t flip through the channels of the TV searching for the latest soap opera. She doesn’t mindlessly watch trashy movies, lusting over the lead actor. She isn’t flipping through the pages of a unrealistic romance novel, hoping and wishing that it comes to life. She’s studying and learning. She’s thinking and engaging with the world around her. She’s reading His Word and applying it to her life and how she interacts with others. This girl isn’t wasting her God-given gifts on the world and it’s pleasures, she’s using them toward the advancement of His Kingdom, all for the Glory of the LORD.

If you end up dating her, consider yourself blessed because you know God gave her to you. The LORD has selected her especially for you and prepared the both of you for each other. She’s not the kind of girl who pines for the next guy to come into her life. No, she is patient. She waits upon the LORD and His timing. She does not complain or become anxious, for she knows that Christ is her focus above all things.

Pray for her. Pray with her.

This is one of the greatest gifts you can offer her. Read the Bible with her. Tell her about the things God is doing in your life. She cares, and she loves to hear them. Teach her with the wisdom of Solomon, lead her like Moses with a faith like Abraham. She will search you to see if you have David’s heart for God. But most of all, you must love her with the Love of Christ Himself because a girl who loves Jesus is very special. She is bold like Esther, hospitable like Lydia, submissive like Mary and she consistently thrives to align her life with the very words found in Proverbs 31. Scripture is her daily bread, and she grows off of God’s consistent grace and compassion. 

Date a girl who loves Jesus more than she will ever love you. Date a girl who acknowledges her God-given mission in life and the priority it has over all things. Know that God has placed you by her side for a reason; you’re in this together and God has plans for the both of you. You’re in good hands as long as you stay within the center of God’s will. This girl will keep you on the Holy path, and trusts you will be honest with you when you are struggling…because she always will. Date a girl who loves Jesus because He loves you, and He just wants the best for you.

Or better yet, marry a girl who loves Jesus.

Alpha, Omega.

You were there
Every moment of my life
Every breath, every tear
Every moment worth remembering or just
Every moment.

You were there
When I wasn't.
When I didn't.
When I wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't.
You were there while I was absent and unaware.

You were there
As I looked at the grave of a loved one.
As the doctor told me surgery was the only option.
As the life I knew came crashing down around me
And the life in You was born in the ashes

You were there then.
Who said You're not here, right now?
So why am I worried?
You told me to hold onto You, right?
I'm just afraid.
Afraid that I'll let go, that I will be the one to wander off.
I know, I know. You'll always catch me.
...I still don't want to fall.

So at Your feet I lay, not broken, but unsure;
Comforted by the fact that You have all the answers I'll ever need.
I'll figure this out--
No.
I will wait for You.
And even though I will stumble on this path in front of me, just hold onto my hand, be my hope and my strength.
Always.

Words.

Words can hurt.
Words can heal.
Sometimes, words say what you feel.
But what says more, is the words you don't.
10 words you say and the one word, you won't.
Communication is a perilous maze;
one wrong turn and you're lost, for days.
My heart, in conflict with it's eyes
For what it sees, it must deny.
No one speaks what's really true
The ones that do, are far and few.
I wish, I wish, I really knew
What goes on inside of you.



No one speaks what's really true
The ones that do, are far and few.

More than an Accident...?

What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?

I guess I could say that I sometimes wish that I could be a little less...outgoing and energetic. A lot of people see those as good things and traits that people work towards but usually I feel like people find it weird. Like, I try to be friends with everyone. I don't know why I do, but I can't help myself. I was the kid who tried to make friends with the guy who bullied him most of his early school life. I always look to the best in a person, and many times the best of them is never shown. Maybe I see the world through rose coloured glasses. Maybe that needs to change. Do I need to become a meaner person? Is that even possible?

A large part of me wonders why God made me so...vulnerable. Why is it so easy for me to have my feelings hurt, or my self esteem shattered? Why do I worry so much? Other people don't care about me, why do I care so much about them? I get physically sick worrying about some people...God knows they don't for me.
Why do other guys look so confident on the outside, even if on the inside they're just like me? Why is it so hard for me to fit in with guys? Even my friends sometimes joke about the girls I talk to you and the people I associate myself with...

Why do I have to be black?
I spend a lot of my time doing things that don't fit my racial stereotypes at all. Everyone asks me whether I play basketball. God, why did you make me so that I have the height and the attributes but not the desire? I don't feel like I fit in with other black people. I don't understand the accents, I don't get the jokes...it's a weird feeling; being alone with people that are supposed to be just like you.

Part of me thought it was something I did wrong. Is it something I did wrong?
God made me the way I am.

But why?

[examen] My Last Teenage Summer.

Well, wow.

Summer is coming to a close, and it's time to look back.
This will be my last summer as a teenager. It feels like there is still so much more to learn, so much more to experience...like so much of life has already passed me by. People tell me that these years, both coming and past, are going to be the best of my life. I find that strange, because most of these years will be spent trying to figure out my life. How exactly is that fun? But that's another story.

I've learned a lot this summer.

• I learned about patience, trust, honesty, the importance of good friends... but the one I found the most important was how to seek God in the hardest times, the times where you wonder what His plan is for your life. The times where you don't even have words to describe the cry of your heart. The times where you wonder if there is a God that hears you at all. I realized that He was, is, and will always be there. Always. 

• This summer I relearned how to pray. I realized that I was far from a perfect Christian, and that I needed God's help just as much as every other sinner in the world.

• I realized I wasn't, and will never be, "Superman"; that I can't fix everyone's problems. I learned how to really listen. I learned how to sit by someone when they are hurting. I learned how to be honest with my own feelings. 

• I learned what it meant to love someone. I realized that love is an effort, an action, and that love is not some blind force, but a part of the way God made us; therefore, it's something to be treasured and treated with care. I learned that love is something you show as well as something you feel. Something you work towards and less of something you leave to chance. Something that glorifies God and builds up the other person. 

• I learned to see myself as valuable, not based on the perceptions of the world, but from the opinion of the Father who created me, and sees me as forever precious and beautiful.

I wish I could just throw all my feelings about this summer onto this keyboard and type it out onto here...but it's impossible. How can you type feelings; memories; tears; or laughter? Who can write a smile onto a webpage? Trying to craft these emotions into something tangible is a task best left done to the most skilled of writers...I am but a student who posts ideas and thoughts mainly from his heart; occasional input from his mind, and counsel from the Father Almighty. 

I wonder when I look back on this note, 2, 3, even 5 years from now, where will I be? What would I have accomplished? What will God have brought me through? What will God bring me into?

Like I said, this is my last teenage summer. Adulthood is already upon me, and I'm still not 100% sure who I am. I'm sure of this though:

God isn't through with me yet. If I keep seeking Him, it is there I will find my own soul; my identity. My... me.

So, God.

Where to? Take me where you want me. Your servant is listening.

--Jeffrey Chidiebere Ekeanyanwu

Psalm 71.

"Why do bad things happen to the best of people? Why is there suffering, shame, hurt, evil; if God is so omnipotent, so omnipresent, if He supposedly LOVES us SO much...

Why doesn't he stop it from happening? 

Where is He?"


I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've wondered that. Even as a Christian who believes that Jesus bought me eternal life and washed away my sin on the cross, I still struggle with it. 


Let me share with you something I found in my Bible a long time ago that I keep going back to.

The reality of pain and brokenness is all around us. We see it every day on the news and in our school hallways. But suffering isn't just "out there". It hits home, too. We Jesus-followers aren't protected in spiritual Bubble Wrap, kept safe from danger, tragedy, and heartache. Sometimes our suffering is intensely personal. When that happens, if can really rock our faith. It can feel like the pain is destroying us. And we're not alone in that feeling. "I am exhausted from crying for help; my throat is parched. My eyes are swollen with weeping, waiting for my God to help me," David wrote in Psalm 69:3. This wasn't just a minor bad day. David, like we often do, was hurting badly. And what about Job? His life was completely destroyed and God sat by, watching it all happen. When Job demanded answers from God, God didn't give them. Instead God answered Job with more questions. (see Job 38:1-42:6).  

It feels that way for us sometimes when we look at the pain in our lives and in twh world around us. Why does God allow little children to die of malnutrition? Why does God let cancer rot out a loved one's bones? Why doesn't God stop suicide bombers or dictators or wars? Simple answers don't work with questions like these. Sometimes we're left like Job getting our questions "answered" with more questions: Who is God-- you or me? Will you trust me? Will you serve me? Will you choose to help the hurting, the sick, and the dying in my name? Will you sacrifice your own wants and desires in order to show love and empathy to those who are suffering? 

God doesn't give us an easy answer for why we suffer. Instead he gave us his Son who suffers with us (see Isaiah 53). God's love in Christ goes with us through our deepest pain and our most difficult circumstances. So, "does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity or are persecuted, or hungry, or desitute, or in danger, or threatened with death" (Romans 8:35) It can feel that way sometimes, but the author of Romans answers his own question: "No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us."

The Green Light.

Three years.

Three years ago, I made a deal with God. I said that if I gave Him my heart, He would give it to the right person in time. I remember how I felt after that prayer; a tad stupid, wondering if He really even heard me. I remember a voice, faint, but present. It said:

"Okay. Now, wait."

And so I did. I began to live my life in a way that pleased Christ, not because I wanted Him to give me what I wanted faster, but I had began to see Him as the center of my affection. I began to want to please Him because I truly loved Him, and I knew that He loved me more than I will ever be able to comprehend. For a while, it felt like my heart was content. You know, I think it was. It still is, even after what's been going on. What I am amazed about, is how everything works together in God's time, not our own.

While I was loving God, He was making a place in my heart for someone that loved Him as well. It's crazy now that I look back, but He was working.

It was at a particular retreat that I realized that God had been working through my life and directly impacting someone else. Slowly but surely, my prayers shifted from this person, to a person. Before long, I began to realize that I cared for this person more than I cared about myself. It was something I wasn't used to...but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Time passed, I kept praying, still oblivious to the promise I made with God. At this point, I was praying something like this:

"God, help me to keep You as the center of my affection. Help me to care for my friends and family the way You have cared for me. I pray that you bless them, and I pray that you guide me into a place where I can honour You.
...Oh, and God? If this...what I feel...is real, let it flourish. If it is not of You, kill it. Because I don't want to be anywhere but by Your side. Amen."

Three months later, I was at a camp. It was here that I realized that God didn't forget about the promise I made to Him.

I wish I could identify the emotions going through my head, but I can't. There were too many. What I do remember is thinking one thing:

"I want to become a man of God that she can trust in. I want to become a man of God I can trust in."
And so, it began. I began to seek God more, harder, with all my soul and all my mind and all my strength. As my feelings for her grew, so did my walk with Christ. As we got closer together, I drew nearer to Christ. It's a beautiful transformation that I am glad to be a part of; watching God transform me as we transform each other for His glory.

This is what I pray now:

"God, thank you for being you. Thank you for what you are and have already done in my life. I pray that you help me be a blessing to the people I care about, and even the people I may not like. Help me to be a man of God that people can trust in. Help me to boast in my weakness. Help me to love others like You loved me.

...and God? Help me to love her, if you've given me the green light."

Frayed.

God, help. Please.

I can't think clearly. What's going on? I can't tell if I'm overwhelmed or underwhelmed. I don't know what the problem is or how I can fix it. I would hate this feeling but I don't know what it is exactly. Or I do know what it is and I'm covering it up from myself.

What is wrong with me?

I can't sleep. I want to cry but I can't. I want to scream but I'm mute. I want to brake something but I'm so weak I can barely type. I'm listening to worship music but I feel like that's making it worse. I'm rundown. I'm out of energy. I'm discouraged and I can't explain why. My brain is going 100 miles an hour but it's going nowhere, fast. My imagination is running wild and I can't tell true from false. This pounding in my head makes it hard to think straight for more than a couple seconds at at time. My stomach isn't doing the best job holding my food down either. The strain is becoming visible on my face and how I carry myself. The mask I wear can't hold back what's happening beneath the surface anymore.

I'm clinging to You, God because You're the only thing in my head that's making sense.

I can feel my pulse beneath my skin. I'm still alive, I can still function. It's not over, right God?
I'm not sure what's happening. Maybe I've reached my own breaking point.

Lord, I can't do this. I can't. But You can.
Drag me through if You have to. But don't let go of me.
I don't want to fall. But walking is getting harder.

You've never ever given me more than I can handle. It's just really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's all so dark.

Wait.

I can feel You dragging me through. I was never walking by myself, was I?

....
"Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand?"


What am I doing?

  Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and  my God! Psalm 42:5-6

*sigh*




Let's try and remember that next time.

Okay?

Untitled.

Confused.
Afraid.
Happy?
Determined.
Friendship.
Amazed.
Intimidated.
Fearful.
Trust.
Why?
Love.
Emotional?
What-if?
Chances.
Prayer.
Faithfulness.
Pressure.
Self-worth.
Anxious?
Comforting.
Attached.
Honest.
God.
God.
God.
Where?
When?
Really?
Future.
Ending?
Beginning?
Plan?

Always.

Home is where...

So, for those of you that do not live in the same country I do, today is Canada Day; Canada's official birthday. Not sure exactly how old the country is now, but today marks another year in an amazing country that I'm proud to call my home. Also, Prince William and Kate have arrived! Oh, Canada!

At the same time, though, my mind jumps to places that don't have that same level of security. I think of the hundreds of thousands of refugees that get on a plane to Canada or other countries because they are no longer safe where they live. How must it feel as a parent, to not be able to provide enough security for your children? How is it fair that I can go out to the park and not have my parents worry about my well-being?

As a Christian, I sometimes wonder and ask God why. Why me, why did you put me on this side of the planet and leave them...over on the other side.

But I guess that's where my thinking makes a mistake. He never left them.

He put me here for the same reason He put them there. And I know that although stats tell us how many children and adults are ravaged by war, diseases, mainly AIDS and malaria, He is still God, and He still works miracles. I remember reading an article talking about the advance of the gospel around the world, and guess where the highest conversion rates were? Yup, in the third world countries. My theory is that we feel as if we have everything here, so we don't see a need for God, whereas in these third world countries what they do have they recognize it came from God, and they are thankful for it.

I think that in the places where it's hardest to see God are the places where He works the most. Is God not the closest when it it's the hardest to stand? The times where we need Him the most are the times when we look back and realized He's the one carrying us.

Home might be where the heart is, it's true. But in a world filled with death, destruction, and perverted desire, if your heart isn't in God's hands, how safe is it?

I want the God who holds the universe in his hands, to hold me forever.
'Cause that's where I belong.

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

He will never let you go. 

Set a Fire [part 2]

[continued from Jeremiah 29:11 [part 1]
My pastor came up to me and he asked me what was wrong. At that moment, I felt incredibly vulnerable. I realized that my whole youth group had seen me break down. I realized that whatever image people had of me being a man of character and flawless integrity, and so...so, perfect in his pursuit for Christ... was gone. I felt like I was unworthy of the title "Follower of Christ". 

I felt alone. 

What hit me the most was what my pastor told me. It sounds like something I should've known, but I fell into that trap of upholding the "Christian image" when it's not about how I appear on the outside as much as my relationship with God. 

That relationship is going to be, at times, frustrating.

Angering.

Annoying.

Every other word you can think of that would be in any normal human relationship. It's also the main thing that keeps me on track as a sane human being.

But it's worth it. I read a quote that said,

"You never said it would be easy but you promised You'd take care of me."

And it's true. Here is the catch, though; if you don't trust Him to get you through it you won't follow His path. That's why we can't get through our problems by ourselves. I'm learning this day by day. Hopefully I'm getting better at it.

  I think what is difficult for me is realizing that God can and does speak through the people you interact with daily, whether it be my brother, my Dad or my Mom, my friends, or even the bus driver on the way to school. Sometimes I get this image where if I have a problem in my life or an attitude that needs changing I'll get this heavenly lightning bolt and a voice from the heavens that says:

"JEFF, DO YOUR HOMEWORK, BECAUSE IT TEACHES YOU RESPONSIBLITY...."
...
Which would be really creepy and on second thought I don't think I'd want that at all... But hey, it'd probably work.

Back to the title of this post, though.

I named it Set a Fire, because that's exactly what I want. I want a fire in my soul, one that burns out of control for You and making You known. Whether it be through my academic or athletic excellence that I attribute to God's grace giving me the talents I have, or through my personality and how easy I can forgive because of the One who forgave me.

Set a fire down in my soul. That I can’t contain and I can’t control. Cause I want more of You God. I want more of You God. Kindle that flame. Burning deep, deep down. Change me, make me new. 

From The Inside Out.

Watching the clock.

I know I need You
I need to love You
I'd love to see You but it's been so long 

I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
I need to hear You
Is that so wrong?

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done 

Are You done forgiving
Or can You look past my pretending, Lord
I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become?

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

I hear You say:

My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between 

The times that you doubt me
When you can't feel
The times that you question
Is this for real 

The times you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
And the times that you bend 

Well my love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between 

The times that you're healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace 

The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal 

In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame 

I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by My power alone 

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends.

"It never ends."

A Prayer.

I'm very stressed out currently, and so are my closest friends. So instead of just saying, "I'm praying", I'm going to write out what I'm praying over you guys, word for word.

Alright?
I really do love you guys, and I know that God will bring us through out problems and struggles. We just have to trust Him.
---

Hey, God. I'm not really sure how to put this, but I'm overwhelmed. I know you don't give me anything I can't handle, but it seems like I can't do anything right anymore. Lord, be my strength, now more than ever. Help me to look past my problems and to focus on Your Word and your son, Jesus. It's exam time, and I always think about my future. Lord, I don't think I'm ready for what lies ahead of me. I don't know if I can handle the responsibility of...everything. Anything. It's all a mess right now. Lord, help me to see you as the center of my affection.


Lord, I pray that you reveal your grace and presence to my friends as they cry out for You. I pray that you be their strength, their fortress, their stronghold in each of their individual times of need. I know You hear the cries of Your children, and I pray that you shower them with Your mercy, wisdom and grace. Lord, I pray that You comfort them in whatever grief or mourning they might have, and I also pray that you mend their broken hearts. My friends are also going through exams and I know that I am not the only one who questions the future ahead of them but Lord I pray that you remind them of the amazing plans You have for them. Remind them that You are God, and that everything works out according to Your will.


God, I know you put me here on this earth to glorify and praise Your name. I am afraid that I will fail You; that I will fail myself in the effort to please a perfect and just God. But thank you Jesus that you died on the cross to give us salvation; a second chance; a reason to get off the ground and continue to live my life as a testament to your glory.

Hold me close, God.
Please, don't let me go.

Amen.
-4:29

Heart vs Mind: A Delicate Balance [part one]

Alright. So, this is going to be as hard for me to write to you guys as it is for me to say. I feel like if I don't say it I'll explode, and if I do say it I'll implode. Either way it isn't pretty...but at least you guys can help me pick up the pieces?

If you had read the post a long time back with a similar name, you would know my situation...or at least what it used to be. Now I'm going to attempt to give you guys an update on how I think I'm doing, partly because I think the few people who read this need to know, and also, maybe if I write it out it will make more sense to me...

I don't even know how or where to start...it is all very confusing. Let's see...
Is it bad if I can't stop thinking about her?
Is it wrong if I'm more happy for her accomplishments than my own?
What does it mean if I take her opinion as something valued above everybody else's?

...If only you knew how much I'm struggling with myself right now. What did I do wrong? What have I done right?

I can't remember who told me this, but it was a long time ago. The person said that my heart is a strange one. It does not love many, but when it finds the one it loves it will hold on for dear life...until the one it holds is torn from it's grasp. I feel like that right now. I feel like no matter what I do or say my heart won't let go. It makes me sad because I know that if I can't let go, and the one that I'm holding onto is not mine, it will tear away from me.

I don't know if I can handle that.

No, this is not a "crush", or my "omg this is my everything i need you now i'll kill myself if i dont have you girllllll"
...

This is someone that I can look forward and see a future with. A large part of me is happy, very happy. But the other part of me is scared. Scared that my heart is running free and that soon it will wake up out of its self imagined dream that everything will work out.

Maybe I just need to wake up.

The Gray Line

This weekend I was at a job training/ leadership retreat up in the cottage country. I was only 1 of over 18 schools with students in this program. Since it was in the wilderness, and since it was a camp, they grouped the males and the females and put them into cabins for the night. The people in the cabin I was with were, essentially, alright people. They would make it in society...they'd be the norm. But they weren't Christian.

The two nights I spent there, the late night conversation was extremely sexually explicit and graphic. For 16-18 year olds, the things they said and did disgusted me. But I kept my mouth shut, and pretended I didn't hear them.

But one time, I couldn't.

They had actually begun to rate girls in within the job training facility that they were working at. What happened to respect for women? What happened to respect for themselves?

Of course, as a Christian, you would think that the reason I don't believe in that kind of behavior is because Jesus said no. While that may be the main reason, there are a couple more practical reasons for why I disagree with this:

 1. Unless you plan to be with the girl you are having sex with the rest of your life, step away. Because if you leave her, realize that you just had sex with somebody else's wife.

I can't stress this enough. Isn't love supposed to be something special? Don't you think your future wife will deserve having all of you? Or, do you think she won't mind having some of you with her and the rest with another girl you don't even remember?

2. What are you trying to prove and who are you proving it to? Once you realize that you don't have to prove anyone right or wrong, and that you are in control of your purity, it gets much easier to respect yourself and the opposite sex.

A lot of guys think that life revolves around being the guy who can get the lady. Not because he loves her, but for the thrill. The adrenaline rush. The feeling of being the "alpha male". Let me tell you something.
The best way to win these kind of arguments, and to save you from hours pacing your bedroom floor, or in a worst case scenario, at an abortion clinic with that girl you saw and wanted to "test drive"....is to not participate in them. You are still a man if you decide to save yourself for someone you love; in fact, you are more of one than anyone else you talk to.

3. Look at the big picture and think before you act. 

I know, we're guys. we think with our....well, we don't think at all, actually, and I'm pretty sure if we thought out our actions and looked at them logically we would save ourselves a whole lot of trouble and heartache. But like I said, look at the big picture. Where do you see yourself 10, 20, 30 years from now? And what do you think the people around you will think of you and why?

You don't have to be Christian to follow these rules. I'm just asking for a little respect towards yourself and the opposite sex. You are worth so much more than what you call yourself as and what you want to be.

God Bless.
-4:29

Jeremiah 29:11 [part 1]

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The plans he has...

for me.

The reason why I started off with that is because between this blog and my last, a lot of things have happened. Writing them is hard. Recalling them from memory and having to live them out in my mind is hard. Analyzing how I felt and giving up my worries and doubts to the Lord is probably going to be the hardest thing to do. But I'm going to do it, because I feel... like I have to.

The theme of the convention I went to was called Surrendered. The worship was awesome, my friends were awesome (more on that..) and the speaker was also amazing. The friday evening was great...really felt His spirit, really connected with Him and it was great. Needed it.

But I hadn't surrendered yet.

I was worshiping God...but there were still some dark corners of my life that I hadn't given to Him. And I knew that I had to...it was just a matter of time; until my soul can't coexist with my dark, sinful nature and it needs an escape. 

On the Saturday morning, during the last part of worship, it all just hit me. How sinful I'd become, how I thought I could hide from His gaze; how I thought that I could get away with all of this and still look and be perfect on the outside. I realized that it doesn't matter how much I've done...Jesus paid it all. It doesn't matter that it's a problem that people assume Christians never have. I realized that I had to give to Him right there. I cried during most of that worship session...right until it was finished. At that moment I thought to myself, "I can't do this alone...I tried, it doesn't work. And I don't wanna go anymore if You're not right beside me." I opened my eyes for a split second and heard a voice of one of my churchmates whom I thought didn't really have a strong relationship with the Lord. He didn't do anything spectacular. Just sat beside me, rubbed my back, tried to calm me down. It might not of looked like much...but at the time, God said to me, "Look at the people I've sent to you. Look at the friends you've made and the trust you have. You can trust them with you...the real you." I opened my eyes again and saw one of my best friends sitting beside me.  I wish I could describe to them the gratitude I felt...but I couldn't. I still can't. It's at times like these you thank God for putting you where you are.

Something you should know//[A letter to the people I love the most]

So, I just felt the need to write this. It's nothing bad, exactly the opposite.

My birthday is winding to a close, and I look back on my teenage years (still have a little ways to go..) and I see you guys. I'm going to take the time and write a little something about each of you.

[name] Man, it's been fun. Real fun...and it's not over yet, cheef. Like, you're the best guy friend I could ever ask for and more. I love how you appreciate my beliefs, even though you don't entirely agree. It's so hard to find someone like that. Especially in a guy, in a world where macho is vital, and true friendship is looked at as a weakness rather than a strength. Thank you for being a good friend to me. Thank you for believing in me.

[name]. Wow, this is hard. So many things to say, so many places to start. I know I've told you this, but you are an amazing person and you are such...such an inspiration to me. The way you follow His will, the advice you give me (even when I'm freaking out), and even the way you carry yourself as a Christian woman inspires me to be better than I am, everyday. Thank you for being a good friend to me. Thank you for being a person of God I can trust in.

[name]. Everytime I see you I smile. There is such a joy around you; you can't stay sad around you for long. Like I said with [name]...you are younger than me in years, but you make up for it in spiritual wisdom. You guys have been pouring into me and praying for me for as long as I've known you. I'm so glad that God put me in your path. I'm so glad that I have had the opportunity to be an example to you, and to pour into you and [name]'s lives. Don't stop being who God has called you to be. This is only the beginning of great things. I know it.

Jeremiah 29:11:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

God Bless. and take care,

Jeff

Un Regalo..

For those of you who actually care what the title means, it is Italian for "a gift",(and yes, I believe that Italian is the sexiest language alive...no contest. Well, Spanish, maybe.) and the whole concept of a gift is something that is given without expecting anything in return. It is not often that I use this term to describe the way I feel about people, but I've made an exception in this case.

Sometimes I wonder how I've gotten so lucky. Why did God decide to throw me in the path of such an amazing person. I remember being in grade school, a very young and dare I say fragile Christian, praying that God would give me someone that I could be myself around, someone who didn't see me the way others saw me, but someone who saw me for who I was (and put up with me all the all the same!)

I'm the kind of person who inevitably overestimates the trust that I have between people. It's just part of who I am and I don't know if that will ever change.

For some reason, though, I don't feel like I'm overestimating here. Could it be that I have found the true friend I have been praying for? Am I wrong in thinking that?

The past few weeks I've been learning in church and in my own experiences that God does fulfill His promises...in His time, and that His time is the only time we need to worry about.

Being a young, teenage Christian male, it is hard to come across a female (yes, she's female. get your heads out of the gutter. Yes, you.) Christian teen that 'gets it' the same way you do. I'm still at a loss for words. Maybe I'll add more to this later, but for now:

I just pray that she continues to grow in Christ and that she realizes her infinite potiential in You.

-4:29

Screaming at the Bottom of my Heart.

Three in the morning, and I'm still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing just what I'd say
If we were face to face

I'd tell you just what you mean to me.....

Tell you these simple truths
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on You
So don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say
Last time we spoke you said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you that I keep on praying
That love will find you where you are
I know cause I've already been there
So please hear these simple truths
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on You
So don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say...

You don't have enough faith," Jesus told them. "I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible." Matthew 17:20

-4:29

Forever and a Day.

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
      but God remains the strength of my heart;

      ...He is mine forever. -Psalm 73:26

 I'm sorry for how depressing these last few posts have been, but I'm not going to lie; not the best string of days for me. I know you've been there, everyone has. Friends can't help, your family can't help, even your favourite song loses the ability to snap you out of the funk that you have felt yourself slip into.

God can. And He will.

Some people can't find comfort in God. They feel that it is silly to be comforted by something that isn't even proven to exist. I guess that the reason I trust God with my wellbeing is that He has brought me through it. Every trial. Every problem. Over and over again. No matter how big the problems seem to get, He is there for me over and over again. You might ask, "What do you mean 'there for you'? How can God be 'there for you'?" The best way I can explain it is this: Imagine that someone loved you more than anything else in the world, so much so that they sacrificed their life for a crime you committed; a crime with unbreakable evidence and sentence worthy of death. Are you telling me that that person wasn't 'there for you' when you needed it the most? As a Christian, I take heart in the fact that Jesus went through everything a person could ever go through, and more. I take heart in the fact that this life is not all that I have; that one day I can meet the face of my maker and spend eternity with Him.

He is mine forever.
Remember how I talked about wishing there could be someway you could tell who is your real friend by looking at them? Think about it this way.
I know Jesus is there for me by looking through and at the Bible.

Hey, I'm still feeling down. But this fire for Christ inside of me is never going out.

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame - Hillsong United (From the Inside Out)

Take care.
(P.S: The song that is on this post is the song on the right ---->. Have a listen, really focus on the lyrics.)

Procrastination...oh dear.

What is it about doing nothing that is so enticing?

I mean, like, really. I know I have work to do, I know I have a blog to write ( a really good one, too..) but for some reason I would rather waste my time surfing the internet doing absolutely nothing. I guess I'm just being lazy.

Recently I realized: You can be spiritually lazy as well. When we as followers of God become content with where we are spiritually in terms of a relationship with Jesus Christ, that's not good. The apostle Paul was a really good role model in terms of stepping out of his comfort zone and going wherever Jesus was pushing him, no matter how scared he was. You have to remember, that this Paul was previously Saul who was basically Hitler to Christians in that time period. He was one of the main reasons why Christians had to have church in secret.

If you've read the story about Saul's conversion to Paul, then you know what I'm going to say next: Saul was struck blind off his horse on the road to Damascus and had to travel to meet the prophet Samuel, then after a series of events, he became one of the, if not the greatest Christian missionary of all of history.

I guess in my case, I have to trust that by not wasting my time, I will be rewarded; either later in time or in heaven. Even though, there is still that part of me that wants instant gratification; to the point where if I don't get what I want by doing the right thing, then it isn't worth doing. Galatians 6, especially verses 9-10, say alot about doing good works even when it doesn't seem like you are benefiting from it:

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.” (Galatians 6:9-10)

That's comforting. Just a little bit.

But I like this one the best:

“We proclaim him [Christ], admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me” (Colossians 1:28-29).

"..Which so powerfully works in me."

What a line. I work for God...because He works in me. Think about that.

Identity.

First of all, I'm back.

And back for good. Life caught up to me, and I couldn't blog as often as I had wanted to.

Now, I named this post Identity, because I have been pondering exactly that. Who am I?

Many times, we as humans tend to define ourselves using our occupation or our interests. It's hard for me to remember that being a worship leader is not who I am, it is what I do. A sermon by my youth pastor got me thinking. Who, exactly, am I? As he went on, he explained to us that we find our true identity in Jesus Christ. We are loved. 

I am loved.

Sometimes it feels like when push comes to shove, there isn't going to be anyone on your side; that this relationship between you and the people you care about is only temporary. 

You know what, I'm going to go off topic for a second and talk about that.

Am I the only one who feels like through all the facades, and smiles, and the "anytime, I'll be there" is all fake? Is it too much to ask for genuine love from another person outside of your family? Like, we all have friends. Friends we talk to all the time, and friends we don't. Friends we trust with more important things, and friends we don't. I wish there was some way to look at someone, and know if he/she was someone you could trust. Someone you could grow, and laugh, and learn with. Not someone who would be like that at first, but walk away when you needed them the most. Now, I know we are all human. I'm probably not the best friend to the people I talk to, and I try to be there when they need me the most. But...

There's a quote that basically says that the measure of a friend is loyalty to the end.

Is that too much to ask?

Do you see these things in me? 

If in hard times,  will you trust me? 

Will  you see me for who I am or as others say I am?

The Arms That Hold the Universe

I know it seems 
Like this could be 
The darkest day you've known 
But believe you me 
The God of strength 
Will never let you go 
He will overcome, I know 

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight 
You can rest inside 
It's gonna be alright 
And the voice that calmed the raging sea 
Is calling you His child 
So be still and know He's in control 
He will never let you go 

Through many dangers, toils and snares 
You have already come 
His grace has brought you safe this far 
(And) His grace will lead you home 

And the arms that hold the universe

Are holding you tonight 
You can rest inside 
It's gonna be alright 
And the voice that calmed the raging sea 

Is calling you His child 
So be still and know He's in control 
He will never let you go 

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand 
He has still got the whole world in His hands 
You can hope, you can rise, you can stand 
He's still got the whole world, the whole world in His hands 

And the arms that hold the universe

Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside 
It's gonna be alright 
And the voice that calmed the raging sea 
Is calling you His child 
So be still and know He's in control 
He will never let you go 

He will never let you go 

(He's) Still got the whole world in His hands 
in His hands, yeah 
Still got the whole world in His hands