Changes.

Hey, Dad.


If you're still angry, please don't read this yet.


You have other things to do anyways and this can wait. But I just wanted to say thanks. I know at the moment of me typing this you're just seeing red, I guess. You're disappointed in me because you don't understand why I either don't look like I want to become anything in life, or you might be wondering what more you could've done to show me how I'm supposed to work hard; that your whole life is pretty much a testament to perseverance.


Today I tried my best to just take the punishment and deal with it, because I really did bring it on myself. I'm not going to lie-- it's harsh. Really harsh. I let a lot of people down. I let myself down. I am scared of how this will affect my teammates and the people who counted on me at APC. And who knows, maybe even 2 or 3 weeks down the road there could be some changes. I really hope so.


I'm not sure if this makes any sense, I hope it does, but for a while I've been kinda praying for this. Like you guys might think I don't take in a word you say, but I'm probably just stupid because every time you say it it sinks in a little bit more. I'm seeing my "friends" getting ready to go off to university and I'm still here not questioning where I want to go but the chances of me even getting in. I don't want to go back to high school, and I don't want to have to go to a program all the way across Ontario because that is the only option I had. I want to be able to get an Honour roll average and then choose! Even if I got into a university, did a year and decided to work overseas as a missionary, or anything!


I don't want to be left behind. I have nightmares about it all the time; how disappointed you guys would be, how disappointed I would be, and how everything and everyone I thought had value turned out to be worthless or just dropped me like a piece of rotten food.


I was scared. I'm still scared. What I'm realizing though, is that last verse in Ecclesiastes 11.

"So refuse to worry, and keep your body healthy. But remember that youth, with a whole life before you, is meaningless." Ecclesiastes 11:10

What I do now, what I waste my time and enjoy now is meaningless compared to the rest of my life. Even the relationships and friends I make now...if I don't become something, it's meaningless. I need to live in light of that.


You're my dad, and you want the best for me. So you're teaching me the only way you know how. I'm glad you are because that means you care. And I'm still going to need your help. But once again, thanks. And I'm sorry I wasn't able to do this on my own.


Love,
Jeff.