The Green Light.

Three years.

Three years ago, I made a deal with God. I said that if I gave Him my heart, He would give it to the right person in time. I remember how I felt after that prayer; a tad stupid, wondering if He really even heard me. I remember a voice, faint, but present. It said:

"Okay. Now, wait."

And so I did. I began to live my life in a way that pleased Christ, not because I wanted Him to give me what I wanted faster, but I had began to see Him as the center of my affection. I began to want to please Him because I truly loved Him, and I knew that He loved me more than I will ever be able to comprehend. For a while, it felt like my heart was content. You know, I think it was. It still is, even after what's been going on. What I am amazed about, is how everything works together in God's time, not our own.

While I was loving God, He was making a place in my heart for someone that loved Him as well. It's crazy now that I look back, but He was working.

It was at a particular retreat that I realized that God had been working through my life and directly impacting someone else. Slowly but surely, my prayers shifted from this person, to a person. Before long, I began to realize that I cared for this person more than I cared about myself. It was something I wasn't used to...but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Time passed, I kept praying, still oblivious to the promise I made with God. At this point, I was praying something like this:

"God, help me to keep You as the center of my affection. Help me to care for my friends and family the way You have cared for me. I pray that you bless them, and I pray that you guide me into a place where I can honour You.
...Oh, and God? If this...what I feel...is real, let it flourish. If it is not of You, kill it. Because I don't want to be anywhere but by Your side. Amen."

Three months later, I was at a camp. It was here that I realized that God didn't forget about the promise I made to Him.

I wish I could identify the emotions going through my head, but I can't. There were too many. What I do remember is thinking one thing:

"I want to become a man of God that she can trust in. I want to become a man of God I can trust in."
And so, it began. I began to seek God more, harder, with all my soul and all my mind and all my strength. As my feelings for her grew, so did my walk with Christ. As we got closer together, I drew nearer to Christ. It's a beautiful transformation that I am glad to be a part of; watching God transform me as we transform each other for His glory.

This is what I pray now:

"God, thank you for being you. Thank you for what you are and have already done in my life. I pray that you help me be a blessing to the people I care about, and even the people I may not like. Help me to be a man of God that people can trust in. Help me to boast in my weakness. Help me to love others like You loved me.

...and God? Help me to love her, if you've given me the green light."

Frayed.

God, help. Please.

I can't think clearly. What's going on? I can't tell if I'm overwhelmed or underwhelmed. I don't know what the problem is or how I can fix it. I would hate this feeling but I don't know what it is exactly. Or I do know what it is and I'm covering it up from myself.

What is wrong with me?

I can't sleep. I want to cry but I can't. I want to scream but I'm mute. I want to brake something but I'm so weak I can barely type. I'm listening to worship music but I feel like that's making it worse. I'm rundown. I'm out of energy. I'm discouraged and I can't explain why. My brain is going 100 miles an hour but it's going nowhere, fast. My imagination is running wild and I can't tell true from false. This pounding in my head makes it hard to think straight for more than a couple seconds at at time. My stomach isn't doing the best job holding my food down either. The strain is becoming visible on my face and how I carry myself. The mask I wear can't hold back what's happening beneath the surface anymore.

I'm clinging to You, God because You're the only thing in my head that's making sense.

I can feel my pulse beneath my skin. I'm still alive, I can still function. It's not over, right God?
I'm not sure what's happening. Maybe I've reached my own breaking point.

Lord, I can't do this. I can't. But You can.
Drag me through if You have to. But don't let go of me.
I don't want to fall. But walking is getting harder.

You've never ever given me more than I can handle. It's just really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's all so dark.

Wait.

I can feel You dragging me through. I was never walking by myself, was I?

....
"Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand?"


What am I doing?

  Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and  my God! Psalm 42:5-6

*sigh*




Let's try and remember that next time.

Okay?

Untitled.

Confused.
Afraid.
Happy?
Determined.
Friendship.
Amazed.
Intimidated.
Fearful.
Trust.
Why?
Love.
Emotional?
What-if?
Chances.
Prayer.
Faithfulness.
Pressure.
Self-worth.
Anxious?
Comforting.
Attached.
Honest.
God.
God.
God.
Where?
When?
Really?
Future.
Ending?
Beginning?
Plan?

Always.

Home is where...

So, for those of you that do not live in the same country I do, today is Canada Day; Canada's official birthday. Not sure exactly how old the country is now, but today marks another year in an amazing country that I'm proud to call my home. Also, Prince William and Kate have arrived! Oh, Canada!

At the same time, though, my mind jumps to places that don't have that same level of security. I think of the hundreds of thousands of refugees that get on a plane to Canada or other countries because they are no longer safe where they live. How must it feel as a parent, to not be able to provide enough security for your children? How is it fair that I can go out to the park and not have my parents worry about my well-being?

As a Christian, I sometimes wonder and ask God why. Why me, why did you put me on this side of the planet and leave them...over on the other side.

But I guess that's where my thinking makes a mistake. He never left them.

He put me here for the same reason He put them there. And I know that although stats tell us how many children and adults are ravaged by war, diseases, mainly AIDS and malaria, He is still God, and He still works miracles. I remember reading an article talking about the advance of the gospel around the world, and guess where the highest conversion rates were? Yup, in the third world countries. My theory is that we feel as if we have everything here, so we don't see a need for God, whereas in these third world countries what they do have they recognize it came from God, and they are thankful for it.

I think that in the places where it's hardest to see God are the places where He works the most. Is God not the closest when it it's the hardest to stand? The times where we need Him the most are the times when we look back and realized He's the one carrying us.

Home might be where the heart is, it's true. But in a world filled with death, destruction, and perverted desire, if your heart isn't in God's hands, how safe is it?

I want the God who holds the universe in his hands, to hold me forever.
'Cause that's where I belong.

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

He will never let you go.