24 Days and the Rest of My Life.

It's been a while since I wrote like this. But I think I need to.

First of all: God is so good.

No matter what is going on in my life, my struggles and trials, God has been so good to me. I'm still healthy, I have parents who love me, a roof over my head, the best friend in the world...the list goes on and on. God really is a gracious God; one who gives us something we don't deserve. And I thank You for it.

Is it bad if I'm still scared? I'm too scared to move forward, to scared to slip backwards...so I'm not moving. And I'm slowly becoming frozen to this spot. God, I don't want this kind of relationship with You. I don't want to be complacent with You. Help me chase after You every day with the same fire I did during the summer. I'm learning that the closer I get to You, the more my life shifts into focus.

That's really cool. Help me to see You as the lens in which I view the world.
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I still don't feel like this is it for me. My last year. I don't know why, I just don't. I feel the pressure, but not the seniority. Or maybe I do, but now that I'm there, I really don't care. Is that bad?

Why am I asking questions? On a blog. I've definitely lost it. I know I'm losing it. This ridiculous schedule of mine is insane. I'm running myself into the ground and I can taste the asphalt. I know that God never gives me more than I can handle, but I must really need to learn something...because this test is huge, God. And I know you believe in me.

So why don't I believe in myself? Because, I've let myself down way too many times. I've let my parents down. I've let my pastor down. I've let my friends down.
...
You know what? Screw this self-pity. If God believes in me, why does ANY other opinion even matter? If the one who breathed life into me, the one who knows everything and anything that's ever happened to me, believes in me, I think I can do this.

I know this much is true though. I can't do it without You. It's so obvious I'm not even going to try and put this burden on myself. I can't carry it and I thank God I don't need to.
Sometimes I just can't wait until I see You in heaven. Not only do I want out of this broken world, but I have a ton of questions to ask You.

If you weren't omniscient...haha. I made a joke about You!

Anyways.

I dunno. It's a weird feeling I have right now. But Proverbs 20:24 is burned into my brain right now: "The Lord directs our steps; so why try to understand everything along the way?" I give up on trying to figure out everything. Time to let you be God and watch the impossible happen. Again.

"And 'till I see You face to face,
and grace amazing takes me home;
I'll trust in You..."