Set a Fire [part 2]

[continued from Jeremiah 29:11 [part 1]
My pastor came up to me and he asked me what was wrong. At that moment, I felt incredibly vulnerable. I realized that my whole youth group had seen me break down. I realized that whatever image people had of me being a man of character and flawless integrity, and so...so, perfect in his pursuit for Christ... was gone. I felt like I was unworthy of the title "Follower of Christ". 

I felt alone. 

What hit me the most was what my pastor told me. It sounds like something I should've known, but I fell into that trap of upholding the "Christian image" when it's not about how I appear on the outside as much as my relationship with God. 

That relationship is going to be, at times, frustrating.

Angering.

Annoying.

Every other word you can think of that would be in any normal human relationship. It's also the main thing that keeps me on track as a sane human being.

But it's worth it. I read a quote that said,

"You never said it would be easy but you promised You'd take care of me."

And it's true. Here is the catch, though; if you don't trust Him to get you through it you won't follow His path. That's why we can't get through our problems by ourselves. I'm learning this day by day. Hopefully I'm getting better at it.

  I think what is difficult for me is realizing that God can and does speak through the people you interact with daily, whether it be my brother, my Dad or my Mom, my friends, or even the bus driver on the way to school. Sometimes I get this image where if I have a problem in my life or an attitude that needs changing I'll get this heavenly lightning bolt and a voice from the heavens that says:

"JEFF, DO YOUR HOMEWORK, BECAUSE IT TEACHES YOU RESPONSIBLITY...."
...
Which would be really creepy and on second thought I don't think I'd want that at all... But hey, it'd probably work.

Back to the title of this post, though.

I named it Set a Fire, because that's exactly what I want. I want a fire in my soul, one that burns out of control for You and making You known. Whether it be through my academic or athletic excellence that I attribute to God's grace giving me the talents I have, or through my personality and how easy I can forgive because of the One who forgave me.

Set a fire down in my soul. That I can’t contain and I can’t control. Cause I want more of You God. I want more of You God. Kindle that flame. Burning deep, deep down. Change me, make me new. 

From The Inside Out.

Watching the clock.

I know I need You
I need to love You
I'd love to see You but it's been so long 

I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
I need to hear You
Is that so wrong?

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done 

Are You done forgiving
Or can You look past my pretending, Lord
I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become?

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

I hear You say:

My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between 

The times that you doubt me
When you can't feel
The times that you question
Is this for real 

The times you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
And the times that you bend 

Well my love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between 

The times that you're healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace 

The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal 

In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame 

I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by My power alone 

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends.

"It never ends."

A Prayer.

I'm very stressed out currently, and so are my closest friends. So instead of just saying, "I'm praying", I'm going to write out what I'm praying over you guys, word for word.

Alright?
I really do love you guys, and I know that God will bring us through out problems and struggles. We just have to trust Him.
---

Hey, God. I'm not really sure how to put this, but I'm overwhelmed. I know you don't give me anything I can't handle, but it seems like I can't do anything right anymore. Lord, be my strength, now more than ever. Help me to look past my problems and to focus on Your Word and your son, Jesus. It's exam time, and I always think about my future. Lord, I don't think I'm ready for what lies ahead of me. I don't know if I can handle the responsibility of...everything. Anything. It's all a mess right now. Lord, help me to see you as the center of my affection.


Lord, I pray that you reveal your grace and presence to my friends as they cry out for You. I pray that you be their strength, their fortress, their stronghold in each of their individual times of need. I know You hear the cries of Your children, and I pray that you shower them with Your mercy, wisdom and grace. Lord, I pray that You comfort them in whatever grief or mourning they might have, and I also pray that you mend their broken hearts. My friends are also going through exams and I know that I am not the only one who questions the future ahead of them but Lord I pray that you remind them of the amazing plans You have for them. Remind them that You are God, and that everything works out according to Your will.


God, I know you put me here on this earth to glorify and praise Your name. I am afraid that I will fail You; that I will fail myself in the effort to please a perfect and just God. But thank you Jesus that you died on the cross to give us salvation; a second chance; a reason to get off the ground and continue to live my life as a testament to your glory.

Hold me close, God.
Please, don't let me go.

Amen.
-4:29

Heart vs Mind: A Delicate Balance [part one]

Alright. So, this is going to be as hard for me to write to you guys as it is for me to say. I feel like if I don't say it I'll explode, and if I do say it I'll implode. Either way it isn't pretty...but at least you guys can help me pick up the pieces?

If you had read the post a long time back with a similar name, you would know my situation...or at least what it used to be. Now I'm going to attempt to give you guys an update on how I think I'm doing, partly because I think the few people who read this need to know, and also, maybe if I write it out it will make more sense to me...

I don't even know how or where to start...it is all very confusing. Let's see...
Is it bad if I can't stop thinking about her?
Is it wrong if I'm more happy for her accomplishments than my own?
What does it mean if I take her opinion as something valued above everybody else's?

...If only you knew how much I'm struggling with myself right now. What did I do wrong? What have I done right?

I can't remember who told me this, but it was a long time ago. The person said that my heart is a strange one. It does not love many, but when it finds the one it loves it will hold on for dear life...until the one it holds is torn from it's grasp. I feel like that right now. I feel like no matter what I do or say my heart won't let go. It makes me sad because I know that if I can't let go, and the one that I'm holding onto is not mine, it will tear away from me.

I don't know if I can handle that.

No, this is not a "crush", or my "omg this is my everything i need you now i'll kill myself if i dont have you girllllll"
...

This is someone that I can look forward and see a future with. A large part of me is happy, very happy. But the other part of me is scared. Scared that my heart is running free and that soon it will wake up out of its self imagined dream that everything will work out.

Maybe I just need to wake up.

The Gray Line

This weekend I was at a job training/ leadership retreat up in the cottage country. I was only 1 of over 18 schools with students in this program. Since it was in the wilderness, and since it was a camp, they grouped the males and the females and put them into cabins for the night. The people in the cabin I was with were, essentially, alright people. They would make it in society...they'd be the norm. But they weren't Christian.

The two nights I spent there, the late night conversation was extremely sexually explicit and graphic. For 16-18 year olds, the things they said and did disgusted me. But I kept my mouth shut, and pretended I didn't hear them.

But one time, I couldn't.

They had actually begun to rate girls in within the job training facility that they were working at. What happened to respect for women? What happened to respect for themselves?

Of course, as a Christian, you would think that the reason I don't believe in that kind of behavior is because Jesus said no. While that may be the main reason, there are a couple more practical reasons for why I disagree with this:

 1. Unless you plan to be with the girl you are having sex with the rest of your life, step away. Because if you leave her, realize that you just had sex with somebody else's wife.

I can't stress this enough. Isn't love supposed to be something special? Don't you think your future wife will deserve having all of you? Or, do you think she won't mind having some of you with her and the rest with another girl you don't even remember?

2. What are you trying to prove and who are you proving it to? Once you realize that you don't have to prove anyone right or wrong, and that you are in control of your purity, it gets much easier to respect yourself and the opposite sex.

A lot of guys think that life revolves around being the guy who can get the lady. Not because he loves her, but for the thrill. The adrenaline rush. The feeling of being the "alpha male". Let me tell you something.
The best way to win these kind of arguments, and to save you from hours pacing your bedroom floor, or in a worst case scenario, at an abortion clinic with that girl you saw and wanted to "test drive"....is to not participate in them. You are still a man if you decide to save yourself for someone you love; in fact, you are more of one than anyone else you talk to.

3. Look at the big picture and think before you act. 

I know, we're guys. we think with our....well, we don't think at all, actually, and I'm pretty sure if we thought out our actions and looked at them logically we would save ourselves a whole lot of trouble and heartache. But like I said, look at the big picture. Where do you see yourself 10, 20, 30 years from now? And what do you think the people around you will think of you and why?

You don't have to be Christian to follow these rules. I'm just asking for a little respect towards yourself and the opposite sex. You are worth so much more than what you call yourself as and what you want to be.

God Bless.
-4:29

Jeremiah 29:11 [part 1]

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The plans he has...

for me.

The reason why I started off with that is because between this blog and my last, a lot of things have happened. Writing them is hard. Recalling them from memory and having to live them out in my mind is hard. Analyzing how I felt and giving up my worries and doubts to the Lord is probably going to be the hardest thing to do. But I'm going to do it, because I feel... like I have to.

The theme of the convention I went to was called Surrendered. The worship was awesome, my friends were awesome (more on that..) and the speaker was also amazing. The friday evening was great...really felt His spirit, really connected with Him and it was great. Needed it.

But I hadn't surrendered yet.

I was worshiping God...but there were still some dark corners of my life that I hadn't given to Him. And I knew that I had to...it was just a matter of time; until my soul can't coexist with my dark, sinful nature and it needs an escape. 

On the Saturday morning, during the last part of worship, it all just hit me. How sinful I'd become, how I thought I could hide from His gaze; how I thought that I could get away with all of this and still look and be perfect on the outside. I realized that it doesn't matter how much I've done...Jesus paid it all. It doesn't matter that it's a problem that people assume Christians never have. I realized that I had to give to Him right there. I cried during most of that worship session...right until it was finished. At that moment I thought to myself, "I can't do this alone...I tried, it doesn't work. And I don't wanna go anymore if You're not right beside me." I opened my eyes for a split second and heard a voice of one of my churchmates whom I thought didn't really have a strong relationship with the Lord. He didn't do anything spectacular. Just sat beside me, rubbed my back, tried to calm me down. It might not of looked like much...but at the time, God said to me, "Look at the people I've sent to you. Look at the friends you've made and the trust you have. You can trust them with you...the real you." I opened my eyes again and saw one of my best friends sitting beside me.  I wish I could describe to them the gratitude I felt...but I couldn't. I still can't. It's at times like these you thank God for putting you where you are.

Something you should know//[A letter to the people I love the most]

So, I just felt the need to write this. It's nothing bad, exactly the opposite.

My birthday is winding to a close, and I look back on my teenage years (still have a little ways to go..) and I see you guys. I'm going to take the time and write a little something about each of you.

[name] Man, it's been fun. Real fun...and it's not over yet, cheef. Like, you're the best guy friend I could ever ask for and more. I love how you appreciate my beliefs, even though you don't entirely agree. It's so hard to find someone like that. Especially in a guy, in a world where macho is vital, and true friendship is looked at as a weakness rather than a strength. Thank you for being a good friend to me. Thank you for believing in me.

[name]. Wow, this is hard. So many things to say, so many places to start. I know I've told you this, but you are an amazing person and you are such...such an inspiration to me. The way you follow His will, the advice you give me (even when I'm freaking out), and even the way you carry yourself as a Christian woman inspires me to be better than I am, everyday. Thank you for being a good friend to me. Thank you for being a person of God I can trust in.

[name]. Everytime I see you I smile. There is such a joy around you; you can't stay sad around you for long. Like I said with [name]...you are younger than me in years, but you make up for it in spiritual wisdom. You guys have been pouring into me and praying for me for as long as I've known you. I'm so glad that God put me in your path. I'm so glad that I have had the opportunity to be an example to you, and to pour into you and [name]'s lives. Don't stop being who God has called you to be. This is only the beginning of great things. I know it.

Jeremiah 29:11:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

God Bless. and take care,

Jeff