Jeremiah 29:11 [part 1]

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The plans he has...

for me.

The reason why I started off with that is because between this blog and my last, a lot of things have happened. Writing them is hard. Recalling them from memory and having to live them out in my mind is hard. Analyzing how I felt and giving up my worries and doubts to the Lord is probably going to be the hardest thing to do. But I'm going to do it, because I feel... like I have to.

The theme of the convention I went to was called Surrendered. The worship was awesome, my friends were awesome (more on that..) and the speaker was also amazing. The friday evening was great...really felt His spirit, really connected with Him and it was great. Needed it.

But I hadn't surrendered yet.

I was worshiping God...but there were still some dark corners of my life that I hadn't given to Him. And I knew that I had to...it was just a matter of time; until my soul can't coexist with my dark, sinful nature and it needs an escape. 

On the Saturday morning, during the last part of worship, it all just hit me. How sinful I'd become, how I thought I could hide from His gaze; how I thought that I could get away with all of this and still look and be perfect on the outside. I realized that it doesn't matter how much I've done...Jesus paid it all. It doesn't matter that it's a problem that people assume Christians never have. I realized that I had to give to Him right there. I cried during most of that worship session...right until it was finished. At that moment I thought to myself, "I can't do this alone...I tried, it doesn't work. And I don't wanna go anymore if You're not right beside me." I opened my eyes for a split second and heard a voice of one of my churchmates whom I thought didn't really have a strong relationship with the Lord. He didn't do anything spectacular. Just sat beside me, rubbed my back, tried to calm me down. It might not of looked like much...but at the time, God said to me, "Look at the people I've sent to you. Look at the friends you've made and the trust you have. You can trust them with you...the real you." I opened my eyes again and saw one of my best friends sitting beside me.  I wish I could describe to them the gratitude I felt...but I couldn't. I still can't. It's at times like these you thank God for putting you where you are.