Alright. So, this is going to be as hard for me to write to you guys as it is for me to say. I feel like if I don't say it I'll explode, and if I do say it I'll implode. Either way it isn't pretty...but at least you guys can help me pick up the pieces?
If you had read the post a long time back with a similar name, you would know my situation...or at least what it used to be. Now I'm going to attempt to give you guys an update on how I think I'm doing, partly because I think the few people who read this need to know, and also, maybe if I write it out it will make more sense to me...
I don't even know how or where to start...it is all very confusing. Let's see...
Is it bad if I can't stop thinking about her?
Is it wrong if I'm more happy for her accomplishments than my own?
What does it mean if I take her opinion as something valued above everybody else's?
...If only you knew how much I'm struggling with myself right now. What did I do wrong? What have I done right?
I can't remember who told me this, but it was a long time ago. The person said that my heart is a strange one. It does not love many, but when it finds the one it loves it will hold on for dear life...until the one it holds is torn from it's grasp. I feel like that right now. I feel like no matter what I do or say my heart won't let go. It makes me sad because I know that if I can't let go, and the one that I'm holding onto is not mine, it will tear away from me.
I don't know if I can handle that.
No, this is not a "crush", or my "omg this is my everything i need you now i'll kill myself if i dont have you girllllll"
...
This is someone that I can look forward and see a future with. A large part of me is happy, very happy. But the other part of me is scared. Scared that my heart is running free and that soon it will wake up out of its self imagined dream that everything will work out.
Maybe I just need to wake up.
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