[examen] My Last Teenage Summer.

Well, wow.

Summer is coming to a close, and it's time to look back.
This will be my last summer as a teenager. It feels like there is still so much more to learn, so much more to experience...like so much of life has already passed me by. People tell me that these years, both coming and past, are going to be the best of my life. I find that strange, because most of these years will be spent trying to figure out my life. How exactly is that fun? But that's another story.

I've learned a lot this summer.

• I learned about patience, trust, honesty, the importance of good friends... but the one I found the most important was how to seek God in the hardest times, the times where you wonder what His plan is for your life. The times where you don't even have words to describe the cry of your heart. The times where you wonder if there is a God that hears you at all. I realized that He was, is, and will always be there. Always. 

• This summer I relearned how to pray. I realized that I was far from a perfect Christian, and that I needed God's help just as much as every other sinner in the world.

• I realized I wasn't, and will never be, "Superman"; that I can't fix everyone's problems. I learned how to really listen. I learned how to sit by someone when they are hurting. I learned how to be honest with my own feelings. 

• I learned what it meant to love someone. I realized that love is an effort, an action, and that love is not some blind force, but a part of the way God made us; therefore, it's something to be treasured and treated with care. I learned that love is something you show as well as something you feel. Something you work towards and less of something you leave to chance. Something that glorifies God and builds up the other person. 

• I learned to see myself as valuable, not based on the perceptions of the world, but from the opinion of the Father who created me, and sees me as forever precious and beautiful.

I wish I could just throw all my feelings about this summer onto this keyboard and type it out onto here...but it's impossible. How can you type feelings; memories; tears; or laughter? Who can write a smile onto a webpage? Trying to craft these emotions into something tangible is a task best left done to the most skilled of writers...I am but a student who posts ideas and thoughts mainly from his heart; occasional input from his mind, and counsel from the Father Almighty. 

I wonder when I look back on this note, 2, 3, even 5 years from now, where will I be? What would I have accomplished? What will God have brought me through? What will God bring me into?

Like I said, this is my last teenage summer. Adulthood is already upon me, and I'm still not 100% sure who I am. I'm sure of this though:

God isn't through with me yet. If I keep seeking Him, it is there I will find my own soul; my identity. My... me.

So, God.

Where to? Take me where you want me. Your servant is listening.

--Jeffrey Chidiebere Ekeanyanwu

Psalm 71.

"Why do bad things happen to the best of people? Why is there suffering, shame, hurt, evil; if God is so omnipotent, so omnipresent, if He supposedly LOVES us SO much...

Why doesn't he stop it from happening? 

Where is He?"


I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've wondered that. Even as a Christian who believes that Jesus bought me eternal life and washed away my sin on the cross, I still struggle with it. 


Let me share with you something I found in my Bible a long time ago that I keep going back to.

The reality of pain and brokenness is all around us. We see it every day on the news and in our school hallways. But suffering isn't just "out there". It hits home, too. We Jesus-followers aren't protected in spiritual Bubble Wrap, kept safe from danger, tragedy, and heartache. Sometimes our suffering is intensely personal. When that happens, if can really rock our faith. It can feel like the pain is destroying us. And we're not alone in that feeling. "I am exhausted from crying for help; my throat is parched. My eyes are swollen with weeping, waiting for my God to help me," David wrote in Psalm 69:3. This wasn't just a minor bad day. David, like we often do, was hurting badly. And what about Job? His life was completely destroyed and God sat by, watching it all happen. When Job demanded answers from God, God didn't give them. Instead God answered Job with more questions. (see Job 38:1-42:6).  

It feels that way for us sometimes when we look at the pain in our lives and in twh world around us. Why does God allow little children to die of malnutrition? Why does God let cancer rot out a loved one's bones? Why doesn't God stop suicide bombers or dictators or wars? Simple answers don't work with questions like these. Sometimes we're left like Job getting our questions "answered" with more questions: Who is God-- you or me? Will you trust me? Will you serve me? Will you choose to help the hurting, the sick, and the dying in my name? Will you sacrifice your own wants and desires in order to show love and empathy to those who are suffering? 

God doesn't give us an easy answer for why we suffer. Instead he gave us his Son who suffers with us (see Isaiah 53). God's love in Christ goes with us through our deepest pain and our most difficult circumstances. So, "does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity or are persecuted, or hungry, or desitute, or in danger, or threatened with death" (Romans 8:35) It can feel that way sometimes, but the author of Romans answers his own question: "No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us."

The Green Light.

Three years.

Three years ago, I made a deal with God. I said that if I gave Him my heart, He would give it to the right person in time. I remember how I felt after that prayer; a tad stupid, wondering if He really even heard me. I remember a voice, faint, but present. It said:

"Okay. Now, wait."

And so I did. I began to live my life in a way that pleased Christ, not because I wanted Him to give me what I wanted faster, but I had began to see Him as the center of my affection. I began to want to please Him because I truly loved Him, and I knew that He loved me more than I will ever be able to comprehend. For a while, it felt like my heart was content. You know, I think it was. It still is, even after what's been going on. What I am amazed about, is how everything works together in God's time, not our own.

While I was loving God, He was making a place in my heart for someone that loved Him as well. It's crazy now that I look back, but He was working.

It was at a particular retreat that I realized that God had been working through my life and directly impacting someone else. Slowly but surely, my prayers shifted from this person, to a person. Before long, I began to realize that I cared for this person more than I cared about myself. It was something I wasn't used to...but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Time passed, I kept praying, still oblivious to the promise I made with God. At this point, I was praying something like this:

"God, help me to keep You as the center of my affection. Help me to care for my friends and family the way You have cared for me. I pray that you bless them, and I pray that you guide me into a place where I can honour You.
...Oh, and God? If this...what I feel...is real, let it flourish. If it is not of You, kill it. Because I don't want to be anywhere but by Your side. Amen."

Three months later, I was at a camp. It was here that I realized that God didn't forget about the promise I made to Him.

I wish I could identify the emotions going through my head, but I can't. There were too many. What I do remember is thinking one thing:

"I want to become a man of God that she can trust in. I want to become a man of God I can trust in."
And so, it began. I began to seek God more, harder, with all my soul and all my mind and all my strength. As my feelings for her grew, so did my walk with Christ. As we got closer together, I drew nearer to Christ. It's a beautiful transformation that I am glad to be a part of; watching God transform me as we transform each other for His glory.

This is what I pray now:

"God, thank you for being you. Thank you for what you are and have already done in my life. I pray that you help me be a blessing to the people I care about, and even the people I may not like. Help me to be a man of God that people can trust in. Help me to boast in my weakness. Help me to love others like You loved me.

...and God? Help me to love her, if you've given me the green light."

Frayed.

God, help. Please.

I can't think clearly. What's going on? I can't tell if I'm overwhelmed or underwhelmed. I don't know what the problem is or how I can fix it. I would hate this feeling but I don't know what it is exactly. Or I do know what it is and I'm covering it up from myself.

What is wrong with me?

I can't sleep. I want to cry but I can't. I want to scream but I'm mute. I want to brake something but I'm so weak I can barely type. I'm listening to worship music but I feel like that's making it worse. I'm rundown. I'm out of energy. I'm discouraged and I can't explain why. My brain is going 100 miles an hour but it's going nowhere, fast. My imagination is running wild and I can't tell true from false. This pounding in my head makes it hard to think straight for more than a couple seconds at at time. My stomach isn't doing the best job holding my food down either. The strain is becoming visible on my face and how I carry myself. The mask I wear can't hold back what's happening beneath the surface anymore.

I'm clinging to You, God because You're the only thing in my head that's making sense.

I can feel my pulse beneath my skin. I'm still alive, I can still function. It's not over, right God?
I'm not sure what's happening. Maybe I've reached my own breaking point.

Lord, I can't do this. I can't. But You can.
Drag me through if You have to. But don't let go of me.
I don't want to fall. But walking is getting harder.

You've never ever given me more than I can handle. It's just really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's all so dark.

Wait.

I can feel You dragging me through. I was never walking by myself, was I?

....
"Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand?"


What am I doing?

  Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and  my God! Psalm 42:5-6

*sigh*




Let's try and remember that next time.

Okay?

Untitled.

Confused.
Afraid.
Happy?
Determined.
Friendship.
Amazed.
Intimidated.
Fearful.
Trust.
Why?
Love.
Emotional?
What-if?
Chances.
Prayer.
Faithfulness.
Pressure.
Self-worth.
Anxious?
Comforting.
Attached.
Honest.
God.
God.
God.
Where?
When?
Really?
Future.
Ending?
Beginning?
Plan?

Always.

Home is where...

So, for those of you that do not live in the same country I do, today is Canada Day; Canada's official birthday. Not sure exactly how old the country is now, but today marks another year in an amazing country that I'm proud to call my home. Also, Prince William and Kate have arrived! Oh, Canada!

At the same time, though, my mind jumps to places that don't have that same level of security. I think of the hundreds of thousands of refugees that get on a plane to Canada or other countries because they are no longer safe where they live. How must it feel as a parent, to not be able to provide enough security for your children? How is it fair that I can go out to the park and not have my parents worry about my well-being?

As a Christian, I sometimes wonder and ask God why. Why me, why did you put me on this side of the planet and leave them...over on the other side.

But I guess that's where my thinking makes a mistake. He never left them.

He put me here for the same reason He put them there. And I know that although stats tell us how many children and adults are ravaged by war, diseases, mainly AIDS and malaria, He is still God, and He still works miracles. I remember reading an article talking about the advance of the gospel around the world, and guess where the highest conversion rates were? Yup, in the third world countries. My theory is that we feel as if we have everything here, so we don't see a need for God, whereas in these third world countries what they do have they recognize it came from God, and they are thankful for it.

I think that in the places where it's hardest to see God are the places where He works the most. Is God not the closest when it it's the hardest to stand? The times where we need Him the most are the times when we look back and realized He's the one carrying us.

Home might be where the heart is, it's true. But in a world filled with death, destruction, and perverted desire, if your heart isn't in God's hands, how safe is it?

I want the God who holds the universe in his hands, to hold me forever.
'Cause that's where I belong.

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

He will never let you go. 

Set a Fire [part 2]

[continued from Jeremiah 29:11 [part 1]
My pastor came up to me and he asked me what was wrong. At that moment, I felt incredibly vulnerable. I realized that my whole youth group had seen me break down. I realized that whatever image people had of me being a man of character and flawless integrity, and so...so, perfect in his pursuit for Christ... was gone. I felt like I was unworthy of the title "Follower of Christ". 

I felt alone. 

What hit me the most was what my pastor told me. It sounds like something I should've known, but I fell into that trap of upholding the "Christian image" when it's not about how I appear on the outside as much as my relationship with God. 

That relationship is going to be, at times, frustrating.

Angering.

Annoying.

Every other word you can think of that would be in any normal human relationship. It's also the main thing that keeps me on track as a sane human being.

But it's worth it. I read a quote that said,

"You never said it would be easy but you promised You'd take care of me."

And it's true. Here is the catch, though; if you don't trust Him to get you through it you won't follow His path. That's why we can't get through our problems by ourselves. I'm learning this day by day. Hopefully I'm getting better at it.

  I think what is difficult for me is realizing that God can and does speak through the people you interact with daily, whether it be my brother, my Dad or my Mom, my friends, or even the bus driver on the way to school. Sometimes I get this image where if I have a problem in my life or an attitude that needs changing I'll get this heavenly lightning bolt and a voice from the heavens that says:

"JEFF, DO YOUR HOMEWORK, BECAUSE IT TEACHES YOU RESPONSIBLITY...."
...
Which would be really creepy and on second thought I don't think I'd want that at all... But hey, it'd probably work.

Back to the title of this post, though.

I named it Set a Fire, because that's exactly what I want. I want a fire in my soul, one that burns out of control for You and making You known. Whether it be through my academic or athletic excellence that I attribute to God's grace giving me the talents I have, or through my personality and how easy I can forgive because of the One who forgave me.

Set a fire down in my soul. That I can’t contain and I can’t control. Cause I want more of You God. I want more of You God. Kindle that flame. Burning deep, deep down. Change me, make me new. 

From The Inside Out.