Frayed.

God, help. Please.

I can't think clearly. What's going on? I can't tell if I'm overwhelmed or underwhelmed. I don't know what the problem is or how I can fix it. I would hate this feeling but I don't know what it is exactly. Or I do know what it is and I'm covering it up from myself.

What is wrong with me?

I can't sleep. I want to cry but I can't. I want to scream but I'm mute. I want to brake something but I'm so weak I can barely type. I'm listening to worship music but I feel like that's making it worse. I'm rundown. I'm out of energy. I'm discouraged and I can't explain why. My brain is going 100 miles an hour but it's going nowhere, fast. My imagination is running wild and I can't tell true from false. This pounding in my head makes it hard to think straight for more than a couple seconds at at time. My stomach isn't doing the best job holding my food down either. The strain is becoming visible on my face and how I carry myself. The mask I wear can't hold back what's happening beneath the surface anymore.

I'm clinging to You, God because You're the only thing in my head that's making sense.

I can feel my pulse beneath my skin. I'm still alive, I can still function. It's not over, right God?
I'm not sure what's happening. Maybe I've reached my own breaking point.

Lord, I can't do this. I can't. But You can.
Drag me through if You have to. But don't let go of me.
I don't want to fall. But walking is getting harder.

You've never ever given me more than I can handle. It's just really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's all so dark.

Wait.

I can feel You dragging me through. I was never walking by myself, was I?

....
"Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand?"


What am I doing?

  Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and  my God! Psalm 42:5-6

*sigh*




Let's try and remember that next time.

Okay?