Alpha, Omega.

You were there
Every moment of my life
Every breath, every tear
Every moment worth remembering or just
Every moment.

You were there
When I wasn't.
When I didn't.
When I wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't.
You were there while I was absent and unaware.

You were there
As I looked at the grave of a loved one.
As the doctor told me surgery was the only option.
As the life I knew came crashing down around me
And the life in You was born in the ashes

You were there then.
Who said You're not here, right now?
So why am I worried?
You told me to hold onto You, right?
I'm just afraid.
Afraid that I'll let go, that I will be the one to wander off.
I know, I know. You'll always catch me.
...I still don't want to fall.

So at Your feet I lay, not broken, but unsure;
Comforted by the fact that You have all the answers I'll ever need.
I'll figure this out--
No.
I will wait for You.
And even though I will stumble on this path in front of me, just hold onto my hand, be my hope and my strength.
Always.

Words.

Words can hurt.
Words can heal.
Sometimes, words say what you feel.
But what says more, is the words you don't.
10 words you say and the one word, you won't.
Communication is a perilous maze;
one wrong turn and you're lost, for days.
My heart, in conflict with it's eyes
For what it sees, it must deny.
No one speaks what's really true
The ones that do, are far and few.
I wish, I wish, I really knew
What goes on inside of you.



No one speaks what's really true
The ones that do, are far and few.

More than an Accident...?

What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?

I guess I could say that I sometimes wish that I could be a little less...outgoing and energetic. A lot of people see those as good things and traits that people work towards but usually I feel like people find it weird. Like, I try to be friends with everyone. I don't know why I do, but I can't help myself. I was the kid who tried to make friends with the guy who bullied him most of his early school life. I always look to the best in a person, and many times the best of them is never shown. Maybe I see the world through rose coloured glasses. Maybe that needs to change. Do I need to become a meaner person? Is that even possible?

A large part of me wonders why God made me so...vulnerable. Why is it so easy for me to have my feelings hurt, or my self esteem shattered? Why do I worry so much? Other people don't care about me, why do I care so much about them? I get physically sick worrying about some people...God knows they don't for me.
Why do other guys look so confident on the outside, even if on the inside they're just like me? Why is it so hard for me to fit in with guys? Even my friends sometimes joke about the girls I talk to you and the people I associate myself with...

Why do I have to be black?
I spend a lot of my time doing things that don't fit my racial stereotypes at all. Everyone asks me whether I play basketball. God, why did you make me so that I have the height and the attributes but not the desire? I don't feel like I fit in with other black people. I don't understand the accents, I don't get the jokes...it's a weird feeling; being alone with people that are supposed to be just like you.

Part of me thought it was something I did wrong. Is it something I did wrong?
God made me the way I am.

But why?

[examen] My Last Teenage Summer.

Well, wow.

Summer is coming to a close, and it's time to look back.
This will be my last summer as a teenager. It feels like there is still so much more to learn, so much more to experience...like so much of life has already passed me by. People tell me that these years, both coming and past, are going to be the best of my life. I find that strange, because most of these years will be spent trying to figure out my life. How exactly is that fun? But that's another story.

I've learned a lot this summer.

• I learned about patience, trust, honesty, the importance of good friends... but the one I found the most important was how to seek God in the hardest times, the times where you wonder what His plan is for your life. The times where you don't even have words to describe the cry of your heart. The times where you wonder if there is a God that hears you at all. I realized that He was, is, and will always be there. Always. 

• This summer I relearned how to pray. I realized that I was far from a perfect Christian, and that I needed God's help just as much as every other sinner in the world.

• I realized I wasn't, and will never be, "Superman"; that I can't fix everyone's problems. I learned how to really listen. I learned how to sit by someone when they are hurting. I learned how to be honest with my own feelings. 

• I learned what it meant to love someone. I realized that love is an effort, an action, and that love is not some blind force, but a part of the way God made us; therefore, it's something to be treasured and treated with care. I learned that love is something you show as well as something you feel. Something you work towards and less of something you leave to chance. Something that glorifies God and builds up the other person. 

• I learned to see myself as valuable, not based on the perceptions of the world, but from the opinion of the Father who created me, and sees me as forever precious and beautiful.

I wish I could just throw all my feelings about this summer onto this keyboard and type it out onto here...but it's impossible. How can you type feelings; memories; tears; or laughter? Who can write a smile onto a webpage? Trying to craft these emotions into something tangible is a task best left done to the most skilled of writers...I am but a student who posts ideas and thoughts mainly from his heart; occasional input from his mind, and counsel from the Father Almighty. 

I wonder when I look back on this note, 2, 3, even 5 years from now, where will I be? What would I have accomplished? What will God have brought me through? What will God bring me into?

Like I said, this is my last teenage summer. Adulthood is already upon me, and I'm still not 100% sure who I am. I'm sure of this though:

God isn't through with me yet. If I keep seeking Him, it is there I will find my own soul; my identity. My... me.

So, God.

Where to? Take me where you want me. Your servant is listening.

--Jeffrey Chidiebere Ekeanyanwu

Psalm 71.

"Why do bad things happen to the best of people? Why is there suffering, shame, hurt, evil; if God is so omnipotent, so omnipresent, if He supposedly LOVES us SO much...

Why doesn't he stop it from happening? 

Where is He?"


I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've wondered that. Even as a Christian who believes that Jesus bought me eternal life and washed away my sin on the cross, I still struggle with it. 


Let me share with you something I found in my Bible a long time ago that I keep going back to.

The reality of pain and brokenness is all around us. We see it every day on the news and in our school hallways. But suffering isn't just "out there". It hits home, too. We Jesus-followers aren't protected in spiritual Bubble Wrap, kept safe from danger, tragedy, and heartache. Sometimes our suffering is intensely personal. When that happens, if can really rock our faith. It can feel like the pain is destroying us. And we're not alone in that feeling. "I am exhausted from crying for help; my throat is parched. My eyes are swollen with weeping, waiting for my God to help me," David wrote in Psalm 69:3. This wasn't just a minor bad day. David, like we often do, was hurting badly. And what about Job? His life was completely destroyed and God sat by, watching it all happen. When Job demanded answers from God, God didn't give them. Instead God answered Job with more questions. (see Job 38:1-42:6).  

It feels that way for us sometimes when we look at the pain in our lives and in twh world around us. Why does God allow little children to die of malnutrition? Why does God let cancer rot out a loved one's bones? Why doesn't God stop suicide bombers or dictators or wars? Simple answers don't work with questions like these. Sometimes we're left like Job getting our questions "answered" with more questions: Who is God-- you or me? Will you trust me? Will you serve me? Will you choose to help the hurting, the sick, and the dying in my name? Will you sacrifice your own wants and desires in order to show love and empathy to those who are suffering? 

God doesn't give us an easy answer for why we suffer. Instead he gave us his Son who suffers with us (see Isaiah 53). God's love in Christ goes with us through our deepest pain and our most difficult circumstances. So, "does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity or are persecuted, or hungry, or desitute, or in danger, or threatened with death" (Romans 8:35) It can feel that way sometimes, but the author of Romans answers his own question: "No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us."

The Green Light.

Three years.

Three years ago, I made a deal with God. I said that if I gave Him my heart, He would give it to the right person in time. I remember how I felt after that prayer; a tad stupid, wondering if He really even heard me. I remember a voice, faint, but present. It said:

"Okay. Now, wait."

And so I did. I began to live my life in a way that pleased Christ, not because I wanted Him to give me what I wanted faster, but I had began to see Him as the center of my affection. I began to want to please Him because I truly loved Him, and I knew that He loved me more than I will ever be able to comprehend. For a while, it felt like my heart was content. You know, I think it was. It still is, even after what's been going on. What I am amazed about, is how everything works together in God's time, not our own.

While I was loving God, He was making a place in my heart for someone that loved Him as well. It's crazy now that I look back, but He was working.

It was at a particular retreat that I realized that God had been working through my life and directly impacting someone else. Slowly but surely, my prayers shifted from this person, to a person. Before long, I began to realize that I cared for this person more than I cared about myself. It was something I wasn't used to...but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Time passed, I kept praying, still oblivious to the promise I made with God. At this point, I was praying something like this:

"God, help me to keep You as the center of my affection. Help me to care for my friends and family the way You have cared for me. I pray that you bless them, and I pray that you guide me into a place where I can honour You.
...Oh, and God? If this...what I feel...is real, let it flourish. If it is not of You, kill it. Because I don't want to be anywhere but by Your side. Amen."

Three months later, I was at a camp. It was here that I realized that God didn't forget about the promise I made to Him.

I wish I could identify the emotions going through my head, but I can't. There were too many. What I do remember is thinking one thing:

"I want to become a man of God that she can trust in. I want to become a man of God I can trust in."
And so, it began. I began to seek God more, harder, with all my soul and all my mind and all my strength. As my feelings for her grew, so did my walk with Christ. As we got closer together, I drew nearer to Christ. It's a beautiful transformation that I am glad to be a part of; watching God transform me as we transform each other for His glory.

This is what I pray now:

"God, thank you for being you. Thank you for what you are and have already done in my life. I pray that you help me be a blessing to the people I care about, and even the people I may not like. Help me to be a man of God that people can trust in. Help me to boast in my weakness. Help me to love others like You loved me.

...and God? Help me to love her, if you've given me the green light."

Frayed.

God, help. Please.

I can't think clearly. What's going on? I can't tell if I'm overwhelmed or underwhelmed. I don't know what the problem is or how I can fix it. I would hate this feeling but I don't know what it is exactly. Or I do know what it is and I'm covering it up from myself.

What is wrong with me?

I can't sleep. I want to cry but I can't. I want to scream but I'm mute. I want to brake something but I'm so weak I can barely type. I'm listening to worship music but I feel like that's making it worse. I'm rundown. I'm out of energy. I'm discouraged and I can't explain why. My brain is going 100 miles an hour but it's going nowhere, fast. My imagination is running wild and I can't tell true from false. This pounding in my head makes it hard to think straight for more than a couple seconds at at time. My stomach isn't doing the best job holding my food down either. The strain is becoming visible on my face and how I carry myself. The mask I wear can't hold back what's happening beneath the surface anymore.

I'm clinging to You, God because You're the only thing in my head that's making sense.

I can feel my pulse beneath my skin. I'm still alive, I can still function. It's not over, right God?
I'm not sure what's happening. Maybe I've reached my own breaking point.

Lord, I can't do this. I can't. But You can.
Drag me through if You have to. But don't let go of me.
I don't want to fall. But walking is getting harder.

You've never ever given me more than I can handle. It's just really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's all so dark.

Wait.

I can feel You dragging me through. I was never walking by myself, was I?

....
"Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand?"


What am I doing?

  Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and  my God! Psalm 42:5-6

*sigh*




Let's try and remember that next time.

Okay?