Heart vs Mind

Okay, here's the thing. I...really like this girl. Bear with me...I'm  
debating whether I want to write this. I know I'll feel better once I  
put my feelings down, but the risk of someone finding this is....What  
happens if the girl I like reads this, she might occasionally look at  
my iPod...then again, I did tell her my notes are personal. Would that  
make her more likely to read them? Ugh, I'm just getting more and more  
confusing. I guess if it's any comfort to myself, if she got this far,  
she already knows who she is by now. My heart is literally trembling  
as I write this; my hands are shaking. I'm just going to say it.
 
I like.....I still can't say it. God, I'm pathetic. Just pathetic.

I could spend hours describing her amazing qualities (which in itself  
isn't the best thing for me to do, let me explain), but that isn't why  
I wrote this.
 
My heart is attracted to her for so many reasons (there I go again),  
but I know that I can't date her, and there's always the fact that she  
probably likes someone other than me. I'm nothing, I could almost take  
comfort in the fact that I'm nowhere near someone girls "like", then  
again, I'm not a girl...as I think about this, if she ever told me  
that she liked me I don't know what I'd do... you know what, I do know  
what I would do, and it's sad because my choice wouldn't honour the  
promise I made to God about holding off on dating until I am ready to  
pursue marriage. The more I think about it, the more I'm forced to  
acknowledge the truth of Josh Harris' statement in "I Kissed Dating  
Goodbye". He said that no matter how many rules your mind has  
proposed, none of them will work if your heart isn't behind them. I  
had so many rules about what to do in each situation; it seemed so  
clear, so cut-and-dry in my mind...but when I've found someone  
I.....love, it is much harder, near impossible to follow the rules I  
set out for myself...
 
Maybe I'm overreacting. I don't know. I may never know; I may never ask.  
Sometimes I think it'd be better if I wasn't attracted to her but to  
be honest, I kinda like "crushing" (is that the word for a guy to use..?) 

over her. That's another thing Josh said to be careful of, 

because it could turn into a spritually- 
deadly infatuation....I totally see where he is coming from.

If I look at it from the perspective Josh gives me, do I really want  
to be distracting her from what God wants to work in her life? She's  
somebody's future wife; do I really want to be intruding on that? (Who  
knows, she might be single, but you know what I mean..) Plus, she is  
almost a year younger than me (though she doesn't like to admit it)  
and we are both trying our best to live for God. What gives me the  
right to distract her?
 
Why should I distract myself from the plan God's made for me?
 
Part of me would be relieved and thankful if it turned out she liked  
some guy ( which is very, very, VERY likely), but at the same time I  
would be devastated even though I knew it was coming all along. The  
heart has a habit to just hope for something, no matter how high the  
odds are stacked against it. The heart and its love is truly a double  
edged sword.
 

Proverbs 20:9 says, "Who can say, "I have kept my heart clean; I am
pure from my sin"?

My heart not only wants her for the "right"  
reasons, it wants her for the wrong reasons, and this scares me a lot  
because it is so easy to slip and begin walking down the path of  
sexual immorality, sometimes without even knowing it (anyone read the  
story about Sodom and Gomorrah?). How can I be leading other people to  
worship if I have skeletons in my own closet? I can't let that happen,  
I gotta draw near to God and ask Him for help but that's something  
that could develop from a "simple infatuation".
 
I don't know what else to say. I'm not her, I don't know what she's  
thinking or if she even thinks about me. But I think about her, and  
God, I really need your help. I'm so confused I don't even know what  
to ask for. Thank God You know, Lord. Thank God You care so much about  
me, me who makes so many mistakes and falls so many times, Lord.
 
"Take me to that place, Lord
To that secret place, where
I can be with You
And You can make me like You
Wrap me in Your arms
Wrap me in Your arms
Wrap me in your arms...."
 
         -Michael Gungor, "Wrap me in Your Arms"

-4:29