Changes.

Hey, Dad.


If you're still angry, please don't read this yet.


You have other things to do anyways and this can wait. But I just wanted to say thanks. I know at the moment of me typing this you're just seeing red, I guess. You're disappointed in me because you don't understand why I either don't look like I want to become anything in life, or you might be wondering what more you could've done to show me how I'm supposed to work hard; that your whole life is pretty much a testament to perseverance.


Today I tried my best to just take the punishment and deal with it, because I really did bring it on myself. I'm not going to lie-- it's harsh. Really harsh. I let a lot of people down. I let myself down. I am scared of how this will affect my teammates and the people who counted on me at APC. And who knows, maybe even 2 or 3 weeks down the road there could be some changes. I really hope so.


I'm not sure if this makes any sense, I hope it does, but for a while I've been kinda praying for this. Like you guys might think I don't take in a word you say, but I'm probably just stupid because every time you say it it sinks in a little bit more. I'm seeing my "friends" getting ready to go off to university and I'm still here not questioning where I want to go but the chances of me even getting in. I don't want to go back to high school, and I don't want to have to go to a program all the way across Ontario because that is the only option I had. I want to be able to get an Honour roll average and then choose! Even if I got into a university, did a year and decided to work overseas as a missionary, or anything!


I don't want to be left behind. I have nightmares about it all the time; how disappointed you guys would be, how disappointed I would be, and how everything and everyone I thought had value turned out to be worthless or just dropped me like a piece of rotten food.


I was scared. I'm still scared. What I'm realizing though, is that last verse in Ecclesiastes 11.

"So refuse to worry, and keep your body healthy. But remember that youth, with a whole life before you, is meaningless." Ecclesiastes 11:10

What I do now, what I waste my time and enjoy now is meaningless compared to the rest of my life. Even the relationships and friends I make now...if I don't become something, it's meaningless. I need to live in light of that.


You're my dad, and you want the best for me. So you're teaching me the only way you know how. I'm glad you are because that means you care. And I'm still going to need your help. But once again, thanks. And I'm sorry I wasn't able to do this on my own.


Love,
Jeff.

In Weakness I am Strong.

It's been a topsy-turvy time since the last time I actually wrote my thoughts on this blog. Why does it seem like the more I chronicle myself, these posts have gone more from telling other people what to do, to realizing that I'm just as human as everyone else; that I make mistakes? I'm not sure.

C'est la vie, right? I guess it's a good thing. God is moving within me, and I'm so glad.

I've found myself drawn to a song lately. It's a worship song; I Will Exalt by Bethel Live. The lyrics read:

Your presence is all I need
It's all I want, all I seek
Without it, without it there's no meaning
Your presence is the air I breath
The song I sing, the love I need
Without it, without it I'm not living...

I'm finding this more relevant in my life. The more I pull away from him or stop seeking Him, the more I begin to gratify and forget Him who satisfies, the less joy I find in life. Like the C.S Lewis quote, God can't give us peace and happiness apart from Himself because there is no such thing. Plain and simple. It's been harder than it usually has to get into the Word, partly because I can't find my Bible (it's around the house somewhere...plus, I can just use my iPod), but partly because my schedule has just been so full of stuff; quite honestly-- distractions.

It's unacceptable.

I need to regularly find time with Him like I did during the summer. But that was easy; what else did I have to do? It's one thing to read His word when it's a convenience, it's another to read it when it's a hassle or a struggle. It's another to read it when it doesn't make sense or it feels like it doesn't relate.

Yeah, I do feel a bit weak and beat up. Tired, fatigued. But I'm kinda glad that I am. It's at this time where I draw closest to God. The Bible says that God's mercy and grace is made perfect in our weakness, our failings in this small human life. So bring on the struggles, the breakdown, the turning points.

If I get to know You just a little bit more, then it's all worth it.

24 Days and the Rest of My Life.

It's been a while since I wrote like this. But I think I need to.

First of all: God is so good.

No matter what is going on in my life, my struggles and trials, God has been so good to me. I'm still healthy, I have parents who love me, a roof over my head, the best friend in the world...the list goes on and on. God really is a gracious God; one who gives us something we don't deserve. And I thank You for it.

Is it bad if I'm still scared? I'm too scared to move forward, to scared to slip backwards...so I'm not moving. And I'm slowly becoming frozen to this spot. God, I don't want this kind of relationship with You. I don't want to be complacent with You. Help me chase after You every day with the same fire I did during the summer. I'm learning that the closer I get to You, the more my life shifts into focus.

That's really cool. Help me to see You as the lens in which I view the world.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I still don't feel like this is it for me. My last year. I don't know why, I just don't. I feel the pressure, but not the seniority. Or maybe I do, but now that I'm there, I really don't care. Is that bad?

Why am I asking questions? On a blog. I've definitely lost it. I know I'm losing it. This ridiculous schedule of mine is insane. I'm running myself into the ground and I can taste the asphalt. I know that God never gives me more than I can handle, but I must really need to learn something...because this test is huge, God. And I know you believe in me.

So why don't I believe in myself? Because, I've let myself down way too many times. I've let my parents down. I've let my pastor down. I've let my friends down.
...
You know what? Screw this self-pity. If God believes in me, why does ANY other opinion even matter? If the one who breathed life into me, the one who knows everything and anything that's ever happened to me, believes in me, I think I can do this.

I know this much is true though. I can't do it without You. It's so obvious I'm not even going to try and put this burden on myself. I can't carry it and I thank God I don't need to.
Sometimes I just can't wait until I see You in heaven. Not only do I want out of this broken world, but I have a ton of questions to ask You.

If you weren't omniscient...haha. I made a joke about You!

Anyways.

I dunno. It's a weird feeling I have right now. But Proverbs 20:24 is burned into my brain right now: "The Lord directs our steps; so why try to understand everything along the way?" I give up on trying to figure out everything. Time to let you be God and watch the impossible happen. Again.

"And 'till I see You face to face,
and grace amazing takes me home;
I'll trust in You..."

Date a Girl who loves Jesus.

I read this a while back and had always meant to post it, but kept forgetting.

Date a girl who loves Jesus. Date a girl who would rather stay at home reading Scripture on a Friday night than be out partying with a group of friends. She has issues with space because her shelves are overflowing with the works of Lewis, Edwards, Spurgeon, Piper and more. Date a girl who spends her money on others instead of clothes and other frivolous things.  

Find a girl who’s passionate about the Gospel. You’ll know that she is because she will always have her Bible in her bag and she’s always read to help others. She’s the one lovingly giving up her spare time to spend it with those in need, the one who lets out a silent but compassion-filled cry for the state of the world and all of His people.You see that girl sitting and talking by herself, looking sort of out-of-place, and admiring her surroundings? That’s her. She can’t resist taking time out of her day to talk to God and thank Him for His blessings.

And boy, is she ever thankful.

She’s the one who’s got that look on her face when she’s in worship, that look that shows you can tell where her focus is in that moment. Eyes closed and hands raised, or perhaps she is sitting in stillness and silence. Either way, you can see a light in her that isn’t like anything you’ve ever seen. She’s the one who isn’t afraid to fall to her knees or dance in the joy of the LORD.

She’s in it, she’s in love with Love Himself.

This girl has some serious self-respect; she doesn’t parade around announcing her flaws in hopes of reassurance or compliments. She knows that she was created in His image and no matter what society says; she is beautiful. She doesn’t need anyone to remind her. She knows how intricately created she is, placing her self-worth in Christ and Christ alone.

A girl who loves the LORD isn’t going to be caught up in pointless things. She doesn’t flip through the channels of the TV searching for the latest soap opera. She doesn’t mindlessly watch trashy movies, lusting over the lead actor. She isn’t flipping through the pages of a unrealistic romance novel, hoping and wishing that it comes to life. She’s studying and learning. She’s thinking and engaging with the world around her. She’s reading His Word and applying it to her life and how she interacts with others. This girl isn’t wasting her God-given gifts on the world and it’s pleasures, she’s using them toward the advancement of His Kingdom, all for the Glory of the LORD.

If you end up dating her, consider yourself blessed because you know God gave her to you. The LORD has selected her especially for you and prepared the both of you for each other. She’s not the kind of girl who pines for the next guy to come into her life. No, she is patient. She waits upon the LORD and His timing. She does not complain or become anxious, for she knows that Christ is her focus above all things.

Pray for her. Pray with her.

This is one of the greatest gifts you can offer her. Read the Bible with her. Tell her about the things God is doing in your life. She cares, and she loves to hear them. Teach her with the wisdom of Solomon, lead her like Moses with a faith like Abraham. She will search you to see if you have David’s heart for God. But most of all, you must love her with the Love of Christ Himself because a girl who loves Jesus is very special. She is bold like Esther, hospitable like Lydia, submissive like Mary and she consistently thrives to align her life with the very words found in Proverbs 31. Scripture is her daily bread, and she grows off of God’s consistent grace and compassion. 

Date a girl who loves Jesus more than she will ever love you. Date a girl who acknowledges her God-given mission in life and the priority it has over all things. Know that God has placed you by her side for a reason; you’re in this together and God has plans for the both of you. You’re in good hands as long as you stay within the center of God’s will. This girl will keep you on the Holy path, and trusts you will be honest with you when you are struggling…because she always will. Date a girl who loves Jesus because He loves you, and He just wants the best for you.

Or better yet, marry a girl who loves Jesus.

Alpha, Omega.

You were there
Every moment of my life
Every breath, every tear
Every moment worth remembering or just
Every moment.

You were there
When I wasn't.
When I didn't.
When I wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't.
You were there while I was absent and unaware.

You were there
As I looked at the grave of a loved one.
As the doctor told me surgery was the only option.
As the life I knew came crashing down around me
And the life in You was born in the ashes

You were there then.
Who said You're not here, right now?
So why am I worried?
You told me to hold onto You, right?
I'm just afraid.
Afraid that I'll let go, that I will be the one to wander off.
I know, I know. You'll always catch me.
...I still don't want to fall.

So at Your feet I lay, not broken, but unsure;
Comforted by the fact that You have all the answers I'll ever need.
I'll figure this out--
No.
I will wait for You.
And even though I will stumble on this path in front of me, just hold onto my hand, be my hope and my strength.
Always.

Words.

Words can hurt.
Words can heal.
Sometimes, words say what you feel.
But what says more, is the words you don't.
10 words you say and the one word, you won't.
Communication is a perilous maze;
one wrong turn and you're lost, for days.
My heart, in conflict with it's eyes
For what it sees, it must deny.
No one speaks what's really true
The ones that do, are far and few.
I wish, I wish, I really knew
What goes on inside of you.



No one speaks what's really true
The ones that do, are far and few.

More than an Accident...?

What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?

I guess I could say that I sometimes wish that I could be a little less...outgoing and energetic. A lot of people see those as good things and traits that people work towards but usually I feel like people find it weird. Like, I try to be friends with everyone. I don't know why I do, but I can't help myself. I was the kid who tried to make friends with the guy who bullied him most of his early school life. I always look to the best in a person, and many times the best of them is never shown. Maybe I see the world through rose coloured glasses. Maybe that needs to change. Do I need to become a meaner person? Is that even possible?

A large part of me wonders why God made me so...vulnerable. Why is it so easy for me to have my feelings hurt, or my self esteem shattered? Why do I worry so much? Other people don't care about me, why do I care so much about them? I get physically sick worrying about some people...God knows they don't for me.
Why do other guys look so confident on the outside, even if on the inside they're just like me? Why is it so hard for me to fit in with guys? Even my friends sometimes joke about the girls I talk to you and the people I associate myself with...

Why do I have to be black?
I spend a lot of my time doing things that don't fit my racial stereotypes at all. Everyone asks me whether I play basketball. God, why did you make me so that I have the height and the attributes but not the desire? I don't feel like I fit in with other black people. I don't understand the accents, I don't get the jokes...it's a weird feeling; being alone with people that are supposed to be just like you.

Part of me thought it was something I did wrong. Is it something I did wrong?
God made me the way I am.

But why?